Transitions

Note: This post was originally written in early-April when I was still adjusting to life in the project house. I went to Panglao for a 3-month volunteer stint with a marine conservation NGO where I worked and lived with people from different nationalities.

It has been more than a week since I officially joined this Panglao-based project and a little more than a month since I decided to. Although there are no immigration procedures or language barriers to go through, it was still a significant transition for me. Coming from maintaining an apartment on my own to sharing a bedroom with two other girls and from self-managed projects aimed at sustaining myself financially to team projects aimed at sustaining livability for marine mammals, it is a whole new world.

Although adjusting to new situations is not foreign for me, this time feels different as it is not only a change in place but also a change in lifestyle and goals. As a frequent traveller, moving from one place to another -- whether for a single night or for a few days -- has become natural for me. And I sometimes spontaneously go off to some beach destination or on a random road trip just because I can. But these are just changes in place and I still get to retain my independent and self-centered lifestyle. Since moving to Panglao however, I have to work around instructions, requirements, and household chores. I am no longer the head of my own house or the manager of my own project and a self-absorbed and impulsive lifestyle will not really work. Aside from this, the goal has shifted from knowing a certain place and absorbing what I can from it to understanding a specific situation and trying to contribute to it.

Nevertheless, everything has been a good experience so far. There are lots to learn and lots to discover and I am one who is enticed by challenges.

The whole point, really, of volunteering for this project is to expand my comfort zone, which we all know is never an easy thing to do. Travelling purely for self-discovery, I wondered whether I can make a bigger contribution to the places I visit and consequently discover something more insightful. I realized how I am only scraping the surface of these destinations -- its beauty, its comforts, its conveniences, but not its issues, its struggles, and its injuries (from the descent of tourists). With this project, I hope to understand more.

It'll be a couple of months more until I officially sign off from this project and definitely a couple of months more of adjustments and challenges. I don't have visa permits to worry about but the situation definitely feels just as foreign for me.

To the guy I loved but never had:

Hey there!

It has been more than a year since we agreed to end things between us. And yet, it never really ended. You kept contacting me, sending me greetings, asking about my travels, and checking for updates on my life. On the other hand, I kept hoping we can get back together -- imagining how it would be different the second time, reminding myself of how we met, and holding on to all our happy moments.

During all those time, I kept trying to block you out and to replace you with someone or something. But every time you reach out to me, I am pulled back to believing that you still want me and can love me.

You were my precious and my kryptonite. I looked at you and could only think of how I want to take care of you and help you grow. I think of you now and suddenly none of the pain or challenges matter. My whole being yearns to be with you and it would be so easy to just allow myself to.

But these are merely self-made delusions, created from a sense of being needed (not just wanted) and from a spark I never knew existed. I was really happy and you made me feel understood. I will never figure out whether all the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, and the kisses we shared are real but it all kindled a warmth in me that was real.

Although it felt like the universe conspired for us to meet, the fact that we cannot decide to choose each other, simply means that we do not want each other. And because of that, I have to let you go. You have to let me go. Our chance has passed and we need to move on.

You will always be my precious and maybe my first real love. But you should not be my only one or my last. I will get up and search for a new spark. You should too.

I know this will just be another letter dedicated to you that you will never read -- and I don't intend for you to. However, I do look forward to the time I will need not write another.

Much love and sincerity,
L

That Place Called ...

Looking for inspiration, I found myself back at my University. I am not sure why I keep coming back to these grounds but I seem to always do whenever my mind is wandering. It couldn't have been the happy memories because nothing comes to mind even if I try. So I guess it's the place itself -- the pavements lined with trees, the soft breeze in between buildings, and the blur of passing people oblivious to my presence.

*****

Presence. I like being in the background. I like being able to observe my surroundings without being asked to participate in it. I think I learn more from observing people than from interacting with them. I see perspectives they may or may not be aware of. I hear opinions they may or may not have uttered. When I talk to them, I find that I'm more focused with what I'm portraying than with what they're telling me. It's very unproductive for both but I guess it's also a necessity.

Lately, however, I seem to be making my way to the foreground. I write about my travels in a public blog. I volunteered my time and professional skills with an organization. And I'm sharing more of my stories to my friends. It's largely uncomfortable but I do it anyway.

*****

Comfort. I realize now that school hasn't always been comfortable. I hated the girls in their trendy clothes. I hated the guys in their shorts and boat shoes. I hated the kids conversing in pretentious English. And I hated the cliques blocking the hallways. I wish these are just passing fads but these are actually the people that make my school. I might have been one of them on several occasions and I might or might not have felt good about myself then.

But here I am, sitting on a bathtub-turned-bench sheltered by a cluster of leaves from the afternoon sun and trying to rummage through my thoughts. I'm constantly peeking out at the people passing by, neither hoping for a familiar face nor a friendly smile, but just watching them, and maybe noticing a pair of highlighter-green shoes there, a cute black dress here, an unnecessary pair of shades there.

The cool wind that blows on my face is comforting. It tempts me to indulge in it entirely. But I decide against it and remain half-gazing at my surroundings.

By no means do I call this place "home" -- or any place for that matter. But it has almost always given me the peace that I needed. And for that, I'll keep coming back to these familiar grounds and unfamiliar crowds.

View from within the grounds on a clear Sunday morning

Homesickness

While most people crave for Adobo or Sinigang, I crave for the words "sige", "tara!", and "ha?". While most people miss the company of their friends, I miss the company of Filipino speakers. While most people yearn for the comfort of their beds, I yearn for the comfort of my native slang.

Homesickness, for me, is not longing for a place or a person -- that's called missing. Homesickness, for me, is longing to speak my language -- to freely communicate without translating words and statements in my head.

The first time I felt it, was on a 5-day training seminar in Phuket, Thailand. There were junior consultants, senior consultants, and managers from all over Asia but I was the only delegate from the Philippines. Although I didn't have a shortage of company and I was continuously conversing with associates from Singapore, China, Indonesia, and Hong Kong, it was all in English. And the pressure to avoid saying something stupid and to say it intelligibly was mentally exhausting and depressing. It was so that the first Filipino conversation I overheard almost made me tear-up and drove me to initiate a small talk with them.

The second time, was during my volunteering trip with a hostel/AirBnb in Kyoto. I was on my 5th day and we were hanging out at our lounge when I realized that they were all speaking in their native language. The Japanese grandma was speaking in her Japanese dialect, the Malaysian girl was speaking in Malaysian English, and the American guy was speaking in English as well while I kept translating Filipino statements in my head and speaking out in a foreign language. It felt unfair. The next morning, I was still annoyed that I was blurting out Filipino expressions and phrases regardless of whether they understood me or not. This eased up my frustration a bit and I felt okay the succeeding 3 days before I came into Filipino company again and was able to speak the language freely.

Now, I'm planning to travel for at least 3 months across South East Asia with no prospects of meeting up with Filipino friends along the way. I know I'll feel homesick again and most likely within a week of being abroad. It will be extremely frustrating and depressing. But somehow, the idea seems irrelevant and the least bit of my worries. While most people are afraid to leave for fear of getting homesick, I am afraid to leave for countless reasons not one of which is homesickness.

Travelling with friends from home definitely brings more comfort than just company. It also offers a cure for homesickness, whether it be for food, activities, sympathy, or communication.

A Road Trip for the Discerning

On the morning of December 2nd, despite unresolved conflicts, I drove out 500km to the Ilocos province with a reconnected friend for a pre-planned birthday trip, my birthday trip. I was originally planning to take the bus alone to La Union and to meditate amidst the crashing waves and would-be surfers. But a random chat message wiped away all those plans and I'm more than thankful that it did.

She picked me up a little bit later than planned, hungry for anything to eat and flustered over her must-brings. We asked how each one was doing and very quickly found out that this was going to be no ordinary road trip but a road trip with a purpose -- a road trip for the discerning (and the romantically problematic). While she was discerning whether she is ready to chase after and to commit to a missed opportunity, I was discerning whether it's still worth it to keep holding on to something I cannot fully commit to. There was the question of commitment for both of us, albeit with different circumstances and implications. Although this was never the intention of the trip, it became the central theme, in between philosophical wanderings and natural wonders.

This car has been through a few close encounters, up and down in the mountains, and left and right on sharp turns, but never broke down on us, quite unlike our unsound relationships.

Our first stop was Vigan, a UNESCO World Heritage site that is a city born within a museum. I've walked along Calle Crisologo a couple of times before and was unfairly unenthusiastic to subscribe to anything touristy. But wifey* soon expressed her frustration so we agreed for a 1-hour tricycle tour. The driver took us to (1) Baluarte which is the unnatural home to some African animals and a yellow submarine; (2) Hidden Garden which is a private home surrounded by a well-maintained garden and opened to the public for dining and plants-seeing; (3) the Quirino Museum where I unearthed in me an interest for museum stories and displays; and, (4) the Crisologo Museum, which is wholly dedicated to Cong. Floro Crisologo and blatantly asks for donation to maintain an unimpressive collection.

The Bantay Bell Tower stands just outside the city of Vigan, in the municipality of Bantay, and offers a 360-degree view of the region, spanning from mountain to coast. It was our last stop in Vigan before driving onwards to Laoag and then Pagudpud

The sun has long set when we arrived at Pagudpud. We were within range of the windmills when I noticed how dark the sky was and how bright the stars were shining down on us. We decided to stop the car then and there, in the middle of an empty road and with only our car lights to indicate our presence, to marvel at the universe above us. The whole sky was littered with tiny spotlights and illuminated gas clouds while a soft, cold wind constantly blew on our faces. It felt magical and at the same time frightening -- not because I felt small and insignificant compared to those celestials, but because it was pitch black and I felt paranoid that someone or something would come out of nowhere and attack us. Nonetheless, nothing did and it will be one of those life experiences I'll forever dream of.

It was by this road where we stopped the previous night to gaze at the universe. I could hear the turbines spinning with the wind and see the red lights blinking from the turbine heads then but I didn't realize there were this many.

The next morning, we woke up to a failed attempt to catch the sunrise. The skies were already lit and the orange orb which is the sun was already above the horizon. We started the day early anyway, walking along the shore and watching the rest of the town wake up. We soon found a spot for breakfast where wifey introduced me to her initiative against sachets and where some local dogs patiently waited for our food scraps. All the while, thick dark clouds heavy with rain silently moved in and threatened to make the day colder than desired. Nevertheless, wifey took a dip, taunting the surging water to pull her in and discreetly swimming too close to an unknowing group of fellow vacationers. I preferred to hang back under what little shade I could find and enjoyed watching the wind make everything dance to its will.

Not the highlight of Maira-ira beach, this area of dead reefs and dried up seaweeds was where I watched the sunrise from almost two years ago on a Chinese New Year rush to a trip up north. It was the first of my solo backpacking travels and it was filled with too many doubts and fears.

It was again night time when we arrived at La Union, our final destination. The hostel was empty and we were starving so we took off to look for dinner. Under a strict budget, we had to make two rounds of the restaurant options before settling for the popular Greek restaurant which was adorned with male and female attendants in Greek-inspired outfits. We shared one yogurt shake, a serving of Tzatziki, and a chicken souvlaki to indulge on our only expensive meal for the trip. With still no potential new friends back at the hostel, we attempted to camp out at the beach but eventually retreated due to unseen insects snacking on us. A little past midnight, I woke her up from her hammock and awkwardly whispered, "ui batiin mo ako :D", to which she responded with a warm hug.

On the way back south, wifey spotted a ruin by the beach and despite my many objections, she stopped the car and hastily went down. We entered the abandoned skeletal building and stopped at this boulder fence to watch the waves crash and some goats graze.

The following day was much more social. The morning brought us Ivy, a solo traveller who frequently and impulsively goes on weekend trips, typically with strangers or with friends made during her trips. Mid-day brought us "Kuya-Girl", a local surfer who looks, speaks,and moves like a female but persistently claims to be a male. Post-lunch brought us Jane and Carlos, an ex-couple whose relationships are ending or have recently ended and who are currently discerning whether they want to get back together or not. Jane is a self-confessed bum who still depends on parental support while trying to learn Japanese and Carlos is a freelance architect with the typical boy-next-door look and a good-guy vibe. Coffee time brought us Rennel, a freelance photographer who has been conistently going back to La Union and is open to residing in the area but cannot yet find a suitable residence. And lastly, the evening brought us Emma, a British backpacker who just came from the Mountain Province and is planning to pursue post-grad studies for a certain philanthropic specialization I cannot remember after her travels.

We got up early the next morning for a guided tour to Tangadan Falls with the hostel people. It was an unfairly discounted deal that was still too expensive for our daily budget but it was our last day and a last chance to get to know other people. Unfortunately, we were bundled up with (1) a cliquish group of weekend warriors who kept complaining how challenging it was to walk on a mostly flat trail; (2) a duo of female cousins who also complained but only intermittently and could have been potential acquaintances but were more comfortable talking between them; and (3) Ivy who never complained and whom we've already met but didn't seem interested to converse with us. While wifey ended up with an intensive bonding session with kuya tour guide, I enjoyed being back on the trail, swinging from tree trunks and spotting the best footholds. After the tour, we were craving for food and invited Ivy and the cousins to have lunch at a carinderia to which they disappointingly declined.

It was drizzling and the water was cold but all of us swam in and went under the curtain of falling water. Wifey and I found goggles among our group and did freediving, which I found difficult because I was shivering and a bit terrifying because I am scared of fresh water pools.

Shortly before sunset, we were back on the road -- back to Manila and with Ivy in tow. We offered her to rideshare the morning we met her to save on expenses and for an extended bonding session. Unfortunately, she seemed more interested with her news feed than with conversation with us. I won't blame her. She wasn't aboard the road-trip-for-the-discerning train.

Throughout the whole trip, whether we be driving, eating, preparing for bed, preparing to leave, strolling, watching something, or doing nothing, wifey and I talked about love and relationships. It was mostly philosophical and theoretical. Like "relationships have a 100% probability for failure because individuals will always have differing wants and conflicting interests. So for it to have the slightest probability for success, you should give your 100%." But these aside, we also talked about random stuff like cat-calls, tourists versus travellers, Chinese history, waving competitions, etc.

I learned a lot during that trip. We weren't able to end it with concrete answers to our discernings. But maybe we came out better equipped to find those answers ourselves.

Firefly

I had this song on loop in my head for a few days already and I had almost memorized the lyrics even though I really can't sing it. I had no idea what the song means but I fell in love with the melody and tune.

On our first business/date road trip, I had him play the song and interpret it. He told me of two people who were in love with each other but afraid to admit it. They were lying side by side surrounded by an overwhelming air of love but no one seems to want to claim the moment. They knew what the other was feeling but no one was daring to take the first move.

//There's a firefly//loose tonight//better catch it before it burns this place down//

Beauty Post: 13 Terrible Skin Habits You Need to Quit Immediately

so doing a lot of these. haha!

13 Terrible Skin Habits You Need to Quit Immediately

I have been having consistent breakouts for a while now. It started early this year in January or February (2015) and I can't pinpoint what has been causing it exactly. I have considered:

- skin became too sensitive after the several diamond peel sessions

- skin reacting to dirt and oil

- skin producing too much oil because of active hormones

- skin no longer agrees with current facial wash

I have also taken the following actions hoping to stop the breakouts:

- stop the diamond peel sessions

- clean face whenever too oily

- start using oil-absorbing sheets

- use a different facial wash

Unfortunately, I have not been successful yet and I no longer know where to blame it or what to change. The only time it significantly improved (so I think ) was when I was in Japan and there was minimal pollution and low humidity. So maybe, it really was the oil but oiliness could also be just a result to something else. Well anyway, I found the above habits and will monitor them accordingly as new suspected culprits.

Un-lost in La Union

That morning I realized what I should do

It was a moment of impulsiveness again. I was walking home at 1am when the idea of going to La Union hit me out of nowhere. There was no trigger aside from my familiar forlorn. There was no rationalization apart from I could possibly catch the sunrise. But there was just enough sanity that I did not jump on a bus then and there and allowed for at least a day to let the thought sink in instead.

A full day, half a bucket of beer, and a bitter comment later, I finally got myself to the famed San Juan surfing beach. It wasn't the nicest of my rides and the smoothest of my decisions but arriving was definitely a pleasant relief. With no actual plans for being in La Union, I defaulted to just being there. I found a comfortable spot on the beach and watched how the place moves and breathes as I waited for the sunset.

The following day, I still defaulted to doing nothing. I walked along to the other side of the beach until I found an empty shade and sat under it. It was a weekday morning and the beach was mostly vacant. I squeezed myself onto the two bamboo poles so that I could uncomfortably lie down on the make-shift seats and then I indulged in my thoughts and reveries.

It didn't take long for me to spring back up again and take out a pen and paper. The normality and obviousness of the idea surprised me and I wondered why I didn't thought of it sooner. It was so common sense! It was so appropriate! And it felt so near! A hostel on a beach facing the sunset that would also be my home and income generator. Why not?

I started scribbling down the idea like I've had it for years. I'll do this and this and this. I'll put it on a beach facing the west that is still reasonably accessible from Manila. I'll apply what I've learned from my travels and will get feedback from fellow travellers. I'll scout for land soon and target to have it up by the next year or so. It was exciting and my brain was on overdrive again.

I looked up at the ocean once more and smiled to myself and to the world. I finally have (sort of) a plan. :)

Dreamland Intoxication

There's just some days when waking up from a reverie seem too unfounded a task. And indulging in daydreams present a more practical occupation instead. I know this is in the least bit advisable, especially in this dog-eat-dog reality. But sometimes I just can't help but let go of my eternally governmental self and set free my inhibited reckless self. So I positioned myself in a dream-forgiving stance, stared out the window onto the happening street, and let myself be consumed with unlikely visions of my personal paradise  -- as I willingly enter the daydreamer's world.

As hours went by unnoticed, and as chats coursed in and out of my consciousness, I remained a willing prisoner of my fantasies -- feeling limitless and heeding no importance to the day's demands. I travelled to Bangkok and watched the sunset in Langkawi. I wore trendy clothes in Tokyo and made friends with fellow travellers in Kyoto. I put up a comfortable hostel and spent my days lounging in the sand. I carried my world everywhere and carried myself with poise and confidence. It was intoxicating. It was addicting. It was everything but unpleasant.

And then, feeling satisfied with the frolic of my imagination, I slowly pulled back and woke up to my current reality. Although my present isn't that unpleasant, it, no doubt, doesn't stand a hair's chance on my dreamy future. But it's real and it's here and it's what I can cherish now. But maybe someday I'll turn those dreams into reality and it will be a million times better. But until then, I'll be slipping in and out of the world only I know of -- waiting, gathering until enough courage beams in.

Runaway Drama Queen

SCTEX from Clark to Subic to San Narciso and vice versa

We were quarreling. My frustrations finally spilled out and I ended up throwing out words born from resentment. But I still didn't get the response I was hoping for so I let go and ran off with my insanity.

I packed a bag and drove off to the north. I only had vague plans to steer me but it didn't matter. I needed to get out. As I stopped by at a gas station to nourish my long-starving body, recollections of the previous nights trickled in and I, more than once, caught myself just blankly staring and giving in. I don't know whether this caught the attention of the surrounding servers but they approached me twice to offer pastries and desserts.

As I continued on to my journey, I occupied my thoughts with the road and with onward plans. I meant to go to see the beach and the sunset but my late afternoon departure suggested it's safer to spend the night somewhere nearer and more familiar. I checked in at a hotel beside one I was just in the previous month but not before driving through an unknown provincial road and gut-feeling my way. I settled in, lavished on the kilometers I've travelled, and resolved on making contact again just before closing my eyes.

The following day, we resumed talking (fb-messaging actually) and agreed that this runaway trip has been long overdue. We admitted to having different wants, needs, and priorities at the moment and to holding each other back instead of pushing each other forward. I thought it wasn't completely a mismatch but a fault in timing and present goals. But either way, it has been making both our situations challenging and confusing. And, it was because of this that I suggested parting ways -- a thought that has been swimming in me for a while now due to the conflicting circumstances.

Although I was the one to say it (an act historically belonging to me than to the other person), I was extremely doubtful and hesitant. I have been going through a lot of frustrations and paranoia because of this unspoken relationship but I still didn't want to let go of it that easily. It was just stupid.

As both of us felt the same way, i.e. not willing to commit to either separating or confirming the relationship, a conclusion wasn't made and we just kept on discussing. We maintained contact while I leaped from one town to another, from one highway to another, from one hotel room to another. And for every stopover that I make, my emotions spilled out -- almost making a scene not only out of my presence as a young girl travelling on her own but also out of my widely varying blank stares and animated gestures.

As weather conditions were as dreadful as my sentiments, I failed to see a single grain of sand or a ray of sunset. What I got were buckets of water hammering against my windshield, a fuel level threatening to strand me, and cat-calls thrown at me in the early morning. But none of this I minded. I have finally let myself out of the city and even with a tiny bit of guilty feeling, I felt free and myself once more.

A few days after, I went home, somehow less of a drama queen than when I first left but still a drama queen nonetheless. There was no conclusion still from either party but resentments and arguments were suspended in place of storytelling and humor. I am not sure how much I gained from my short escapade but now I know what I should never give up for him.

The beach that I never saw

#Relationship dominance
#Differing needs and wants
#Divided priorities

Thoughts During a Stormy Afternoon

Watching the thunderstorm from my window, scared and fascinated

It was one of those days when my brain isn't in the mood to work. There were virtually no thought processes and I just felt calm and chill. So I went out to attempt productivity at a coffee shop. But after two hours of waiting for my mind to gather, I gave up, went home and took a nap.

A few hours later, I woke up to the sound of water and wind spattering against my window. Another thunderstorm broke the heat of the day and it has quickly turned everything dark and rumbly. However, instead of taking advantage of the "bed weather" and getting back to my nap, I found myself sitting up and scooting over towards my window.

It was a fascinating sight. Clouds were dark and gloomy but not all throughout -- there was still a patch of sunlight over the west side. Rain was pouring hard and sometimes made music against the walls and windows. Lightning struck the ground, seemingly at random, and was closely followed by booming and threatening thunder. The wind also blew strong, creating waves amidst the pouring rain and pushing leaves to dance according to its impulse. I was enjoying myself and I realized again how much I admire nature.

During that time, a thought finally came over. I want someone who would sit with me and also enjoy watching the rain pour down. I remember this wasn't the first time I savored the sight of water droplets falling from the skies while wind blew almost non-stop from random. So I must really like it. And I wouldn't want to settle down with a person who won't spend time for those moments with or without me. :)

Sunsets: Love or Hate?`

I've been back-reading my previous posts in this blog. And I can't believe what I said just 4 years ago.

"not a fan of sunsets"....really???

Meanwhile, this is what I wrote 6 days ago.

Sipalay Sunset not in my top list

I remember that for every day of that Visayas traverse trip, I intently put in "Sunset watch" at 6pm because I wanted to see the sunset from different places. But I also said that I wasn't a fan. And apparently, the sunset from Sipalay didn't end up at my fave-sunsets list (although I think the "unremarkable sunset" was due to bad timing more than anything).

Well, now I'm confused whether I did like sunsets back then or was still trying to like them. And this is an issue (slight) for me because I really am a fan of sunsets now! I don't chase them everyday and I don't get frustrated whenever thick dark clouds hide them from me. But, I think I'm "in love" with sunsets now -- but "to think" may mean I just convinced myself "to be in love" with sunsets.

So, is it wrong that watching sunsets now make me feel this way when I only convinced myself to have those feelings?

Anime feature: Michiko & Hatchin

A strong-willed and independent woman on a scooter who is cruising thru one town to another in pursuit of her happiness. Plus, she's hot. Now that's another someone I want to be.

Michiko & Hatchin (ミチコとハッチン Michiko to Hatchin) is a Japanese animated television series produced by studio Manglobe and directed by Sayo Yamamoto. The story takes place in a fictional country with cultural traces from South American countries, mostly from Brazil, with the characters mirroring Brazil's wealthier upper class composed mostly of Portuguese descendants and Brazil's lower class compose African descendants. 

Plot Summary: Hatchin is a girl raised by strict foster parents who has long given up her dreams of freedom. On the other hand Michiko is a sexy criminal who escapes from a supposedly inescapable prison. When she suddenly enters Hana's life, these two very different women set off on a journey across a lawless land in search of a missing man from both their pasts.

High Maintenance

I've had three official boyfriends and a few romantic interests. And none have been long-term commitments so far. They say I'm difficult to please and high maintenance. But please, I really think otherwise.

How to please the DeviantTraveller:

1. Bring me outside.

I am an outdoor person. I am not a home-buddy. Cement walls and lighted ceilings do not interest me - unless they're devious. Malls and movie theatres do not make me feel alive. On the contrary, I like feeling the wind on my face and the sunlight hitting my eyes. I like the sound of water smashing on the rocks or gently washing ashore. Although I don't like insects on my skin, I prefer their incessant chirping rather than the honk of buses and tricycles.

Suggested activities: Mountaineering, Driving to provinces (with windows open), Chasing sunsets, Hanging out at parks and picnics (cliche), Cloud-watching and star-gazing (cheesy)

Road trip to Lobo, Batangas early this year

2. Feed me good food.

I avoid junk food and basically do not drink softdrinks. I check labels for high sodium content and eat oatmeal (with fruits) for breakfast. I'm not a picky eater but I generally stay away from too much oil and fat because they do not make me feel good. I love street food as much as I love sit-down restaurants. And I would love to be taken to a romantic sit-down dinner so that I could wear my pretty dresses.

Favorite dishes: Japanese sushi and maki, Vietnamese pho, Malaysian lok-lok, Filipino lutong-bahay (that I did not cook), Dirty ice cream, Barbeque

Lok-lok along the streets of Melaka on a Monday night

3. Watch the sunset with me.

As mentioned above, I like being outside and chasing sunsets. More than anything, I think watching sunsets calms me. And I whenever I travel, I always schedule "sunset watch" in my itineraries. There's something about the colors and the timing that always amazes me. Add to that the location, the simultaneous surrounding events, and the company (if any) and it becomes a surreal experience.

Best sunsets so far: (#4) Liw-liwa, San Felipe, Zambales; (#3) White Beach, Moalboal, Cebu (#2) Naidi Hills, Batan Island, Batanes; (#1) Shangri-la, Boracay Island, Aklan

The reddest sunset I've seen, from Liwliwa, Zambales

4. Bring me somewhere new once in a while.

Discovery is what makes me feel alive. Ideally, I would like to be hopping from one destination to another every month. But if that is too impractical, I would be content with being somewhere new at least once a month. By somewhere new, I mean anywhere I haven't been to from new roads, new restaurants, new neighborhoods to faraway provinces, isolated beaches, distant islands, and foreign countries.

Recently discovered: Las Pinas to Pasay route via Sucat, Clark Freeport Zone, San Juan in La Union, Yedang and Masil Korean restaurants, Several cities/towns in Malaysia

Exploring the Tanay province just because

So there's my list. Are these really that difficult to deliver? Why?

Please excuse this highly narcissistic, egoistic post. This is my way of discovering myself. Plus, it is my blog after all.

Saturday Swings

Shout-out to today's picker-upper : Yes! by Jason Mraz uploaded to Youtube by Max Holanda.

It's one of those days again when I woke up more vulnerable than I can manage -- vulnerable to negative thoughts and paralyzing emotions. Visions of travel, adventure and escape keep replaying inside my head, almost uncontrollably. But these always get punctuated with reminders of clients to be impressed, deadlines to be caught, interviews to be accomplished, requirements to be fulfilled, relationships to be maintained, and (worst of all) income to be earned. Impressions of being trapped, of being stuck, of being restricted flood in again and overwhelm my being. And then I'm paralyzed.

Looking for an outlet, I try to confide. Maybe it's me, maybe I really have difficulty communicating how I really feel, but after a few moments of seeming lightness, I'm back to my dark corner again. And then, I found the below album and I find myself tapping and bopping to the beat. And I hope the feeling will last through the day until I regain my pretentious strength and elusive sanity.

The First Day of My Life

2013 had been the toughest year in my young life so far. I know it wasn't just for me and although I didn't encounter any of the national crises that made the year especially challenging, it still felt like I was hit by emotional floods and uncertainty storms. All of them caught me off-guard and all of them hit me to the core.

But as 2013 approached its end, and as another year was added to my age, I obtained an increasing sense of hope. I felt that the coming new year offers a fresh new start -- an opportunity to make things right and to make up for all the negative outlooks and unrealized goals.

With this, I came up with a bucket list that I intend to accomplish before I kick 2014 out. This will serve as my shining guide to making the start of my 23rd year in this world the first day of my life. Cheers!

2014 Bucket List

• Get a full-time office job

For most of my post-grad career, I have worked as an independent business consultant which allowed me to work where and when as I please. Although this is the kind of flexibility that most people crave for, I realized that the type of work that I do doesn't give me the exposure and experience that I want. I don't meet people and I only get "shallowly" involved with a project. This 2014, I want to meet new people, make new friends, learn more about my industry, and commit to a full-time work.

Update: As of 15 Jan 2014, I am officially hired as a Business Analyst at a Singapore-based market research and business consulting firm. Although I still have an option to work from home, I am glad that I now have a steady flow of work and an opportunity for more exposure.

Update2: After 5 months under a temporary contract, I was successfully converted into a permanent position with a higher base salary but also with income tax, required contributions, and leave benefits. Work has become very challenging, physically, emotionally and intellectually but I am learning a lot and not yet 100% hating the office.
Update3: I'm now 10 months in and a lot has certainly happened. I have travelled to Singapore and to Phuket for training and to Cebu for fieldwork. I have met with business owners, corporate executives, and international colleagues. I have worked almost 80 hours in a week. Everything has become unnatural and challenging and although I still am not yet 100% hating the office, I am unhappy with the nature of my work and the circumstances surrounding it.
Update4: I submitted my resignation letter late November before I went out for my scheduled 2-week annual leave. My Director didn't accept it and gave me the rest of the year off instead so that I could reflect more on my decision. However, before I took that additional vacation, we talked and I finalized my resignation saying that I no longer feel enthusiastic about work unlike when I was still starting out. We agreed to set my last day of employment as Associate Consultant on 30 January 2015, just over a year after I accepted the position.

• Travel solo

Although I try to make my travels as "non-touristy" as possible, I feel that I can't call myself a real traveller unless I've done it solo. I know I have the skills and smarts to do it but I haven't found the guts to do so. I had a couple of attempts by now and both ended up getting thankfully cancelled for circumstantial reasons. So this 2014, I want to finally do it. I'll choose a beach destination, get on a bus (or a plane), and enjoy the scenery by my lonesome self.

Update: I spent the first long weekend of the year (31 Jan - 2 Feb 2014, Chinese New Year) in Ilocos. I journeyed to Pagudpud, spending one night in Vigan and an hour in Laoag, where I tried surfing, conversed with both locals and fellow visitors, watched the sunrise, and enjoyed a meal in Bergblick. I was truly happy, satisfied and amazed. The trip wasn't smooth but all the obstacles were definitely worth it!
Update2: I made a quick and impulsive escape to Liw-liwa in Zambales on the Sunday early morning of 6 April 2014. The city just felt tiresome so I developed an unreasonable urge to go out. I met at least 3 people, saw the reddest of all sunsets, and played hostel receptionist to weary teenage backpackers. The whole experience felt stupid and awkward but liberating at the same time.
Update3: I had three solo trips for work: Singapore in August, and Cebu in September and Phuket in September also. None of them were enjoyable because the pressure to be productive kept looming above my head. I only had half-a-day free in Singapore, 3 peaceful hours in Cebu, and one afternoon in Phuket with the Chinese delegates. I realized that I don't want to travel for work because it sucks the freedom out of it.
Update4: I went to Baler for my birthday during my annual leave after which I went further up to Baguio and then to Sagada to escape the impending typhoon in Manila. The trip was a bit spontaneous and I didn't have concrete plans so I felt somewhat lost in some parts but it was a very welcome breathe of fresh air and greenery.

• Invest in a dollar fund

This is admittedly the easiest among my list but being able to easily check off a to-do would certainly help. I requested to be paid in cash dollars for my last airline research project for two reasons. The first one was to avoid spending the whole amount on stuff that I want and the second was to use it on something that I might need instead. I was already dreaming about how to happily spend my earnings but a small voice inside me insisted that I just invest it. The small voice won and as of 17 Jan 2014, my dollar investment has already gained USD1.09.

• Have customized bed done

I live in a studio unit and making the most out of the small space has always been a struggle. Because the bed occupies the most space, and because I don't actually have a bed but a mattress on top of another, I thought I'd want a space-efficient one custom-made to my preferences. I've already drafted some designs and contacted some furniture makers but haven't finalized anything yet. Besides not yet earning the money, I am also undecided with my design. I'm investing not only cash but also space so I want it to be perfect.

Update: After a few sketches, several internet searches, and 3 months of delay, I am finally sleeping on a real bed. It is spacious indeed but not as space-efficient as I wanted it to be. The furniture maker didn't exactly follow my design, removing the cabinets I was looking forward to the most and the not giving enough space for my other mattress.

• Enroll in an archery class

Watching my brother play Diablo around a decade ago, I always thought that archers were the best characters to use because they have long-range attacks and I would often wonder about the weapons themselves and how they work. This may have imbibed in me a certain curiosity towards bows and arrows. Two years ago, I finally got to try one and although I didn't feel inexplicable joy shooting arrows through a target, I felt determined to actually learn the skill.

Update: Earlier this March, I finally put my money down and enrolled for Gandiva's Basic Archery Program. I've done 4 out of 15 hours, the string no longer hits my left arm, and my arrows are developing a grouping. I'm currently taking a break from training because my shoulder began to hurt after the 2nd session and I'm afraid it might get worse. But I definitely enjoy being in the range and I intend to finish the course.

• Go on a few dates

Because my last romantic involvement started while I was still in College and ended just recently, I felt that I missed out on going out and meeting new people. I missed the thrill and novelty of talking with someone you barely (but are interested to) know. So this 2014, I would like to be asked on a date, feel excited over it, and get to know a new interesting person.

Update: Although they may not qualify as "dates" according to the description above, I am currently "seeing" two different guys from different backgrounds and with seemingly different intentions. Neither are, in no way, serious relationships but I have been in regular contact with them for at least a month now (June 2014), with one more casual and/or faster-paced than the other.
Update2: My crush from the office invited me for a dinner and movie date on 23 August 2014. We had an extended dinner at Sumosam while waiting for the last full show of Rurouni Kenshin in Gateway. After which we got drinks at Oyster Boy because it felt still early to go home at 12:30mn. I had been eyeing him since his first day and it felt an achievement to have him finally ask me out.
Update3: I was able to go out with a few guys during the year. It was fun. It was exciting. And sometimes confusing. I kept my wall up the whole time to protect me from heartaches and to contain my crazy eyes. However, after a year, I now feel that I'm done juggling dates and would like to focus on something else (or someone?). I will still keep the two-years of singlehood I promised (and I feel I need) though and will still entertain dates but maybe with less pursuit.

Other achievements:

• Go to the theater alone. I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" in SM Megamall on 22 January 2014, the movie's opening day. There were only a few people in the cinema (mostly couples) and I awkwardly ended up sitting next to a young family. I enjoyed the movie even if I only had my lame hotdog sandwich for a buddy.
• Drive along NLEX to Bulacan. Although this may not be as big of a deal as the others (I was never nervous), I still think that this is a milestone since I was able to extend my "comfort zone" to a little bit up north this 2 July 2014 (Pasig City Day). I have never driven along NLEX on my own and I have never stepped foot on Bulacan before so that's two firsts and one new destination.
• Have something stolen. (Not exactly an achievement on my part but it was an experience). While on my way to a meeting in Paco, Manila on 26 September 2014, I put my phone inside my laptop bag's side pocket for easy access and to free both my hands for reading and holding on to the train's handrails. The setup proved to be indeed convenient, even for pick pockets, as when I checked again, the zipper was open and my Samsung N7100 gone.
• Party hard. As most of my friends are conservative, we never really went to parties and drinking was almost always controlled. But on 5 July 2014, with a group of more daring friends, I ended up attending Unleashed 2 among a crowd of college kids and got wasted on Southern Comfort. Most of the night was a blur and the following morning a jigsaw puzzle. But the hang-over was well worth it and I got a couple of bead bracelets and stranger hugs in return.
• Make friends from scratch. For the first three months of my full-time employment, I had no office friends, mostly because of the setup of my department. I didn't talk to anyone, I ate lunch at my desk, and I didn't take coffee breaks. And then one day, at the office wash room, I initiated a conversation and made a friend. Since then, office chats were an hourly habit, lunch breaks were a riot, and coffee breaks extended to an hour.

*Post to be updated on an ongoing basis whenever appropriate.

Taxi Rides

More often than not, taxi rides consist of an uncaring silence between both passengers, vigilance for anything suspicious on the part of the commuter, a fare meter that seems to tick too fast and too-Pinoy radio music in the background.

However, taxi rides, even those taken solo at almost midnight, can also be surprisingly caring, innocent, and insightful.

******

I was on my way home from working almost 7hrs at a Fort coffee shop. I’ve had two (or maybe three) servings of coffee for the afternoon and wasn’t feeling too well. Naturally, I was quiet and was struggling with the ill-feeling. Finally, when I felt I'm going to burst, I suddenly exclaimed to the driver, breaking the default silence, that I was feeling nauseous.

I didn’t know what I was expecting from that statement, but he kindly responded and suggested that I transfer upfront. So, I did. And we started talking.

According to him, coffee is intoxicating just like alcohol. (Something I’ve only heard from him). And that I might be on a caffeine-high and experiencing something like an alcohol hangover.

His statements seemed logical. And I mostly believed him. Soon enough, the conversation turned to our working dilemmas. And I saw that we’re actually pretty much alike in that category, although we’re generations and fates apart.

He was a BS Commerce graduate; and I a BS Management. He dreaded the typical 8-5 work shift; I do, too. He hated working for a boss who never acknowledges enough his achievements; I fear that situation, too. He enjoys being exposed to different people and learning from them; I want that, too.

It was amazing to coincidentally bump into a complete stranger who shares the same sentiments I was having at that exact moment. It felt like we were in the same situation -- that he was still in the "okay-I-am-done-with-school-what's-next" dilemma too. Even though it was quite apparent that we were already in different stages of our lives, he seemed like he was as yearning for life's real adventure as I was.

I no longer got to ask about his family or whether he's finally happy with being a taxi driver. But I guess, foregoing a secured banking career for one that literally takes him places and poses opportunity to interact with all sorts of people, says something.

Anyway, he made me rethink (for the nth time) about my situation, but this time, in a calm, composed and insightful manner. I can say he was one of the few persons who helped me perceive my self better. More than that, he made me realize how much I can learn from just riding a taxi.

It was definitely one of those magical experiences. Hope to have more!

Cheers to more taxi rides but not to caffeine!

Don't Think, Just Do

I haven’t really been inspired to write anything recently. In fact, I haven’t really been moved to do anything at all. And all that I have been involved with for the past few months were just selfish, unproductive, short-lived, and senseless merry-making. I feel that I haven’t really achieved anything—that I haven’t transitioned yet from being a student to being a graduate—and that I’m actually no better than a bum, except that I’m making a little bit of money, spending more than my school allowance, and living in a so-called home.

While my batchmates are busy with their corporate jobs and making their parents proud, I’m back at home still trying to figure out what I want and how to get it. I guess this is still part of the whole “okay-I-am-done-with-school-what’s-next” dilemma. And unfortunately, this thing has been going on for an extra extended amount of time, 6 months to be precise.

The last months of my last semester were a struggle. Lessons felt like food I could no longer swallow and requirements like vacuums sucking out the life off of me. Although there was the comfort of friends and a regular schedule to anticipate, school life still seemed a needle hole which I needed to successfully get through.

Fortunately, although I barely had interest in studying and was certain to fail a subject, I survived the semester with surprisingly good grades and finally graduated.

After graduation, I became worse. I became obsessed with freedom, with time, and with having someone with me all the time. I indulged my happy-go-lucky self and began acting according to my moods. I really didn’t know where I’m going but I kept on escaping that fact by resulting to non-stable and risky but idealistically-aligned propositions. Instead of exerting full effort to create a real opportunity for myself, I resolved to the easier and more convenient option.

I have a very ambitious life-goal. Unfortunately, I am not strong-willed enough to be ambitious enough for that goal. I keep on writing it down and thinking it out in my head but never laying out steps for it. Sometimes, I know what to do. But more often, I falter. I always hesitate to take action—to actually do what I imagine to do—because fear always steps in. I am so afraid to commit mistakes and tend to remain stagnant when being stagnant itself is already a mistake.

I know I need to move, to transition. But HOW?

A week ago, I did something unusual, insane, and, maybe, brow-raising. I was tremendously hesitant about it at first, with my mind and my heart battling it out, but I eventually decided to stop thinking and just walk (don’t think, just do). I walked, and travelled, trying to keep my thoughts silent, until I no longer had a choice but to go with it. I blocked out anxieties and focused on the goal and eventually found myself two steps away from it.

Although the event was totally based on irrational logic, it actually came out appropriate in the end. So I guess this is what I have to do if I want movement in my life. I need to stop entertaining worried and doubting thoughts and just start walking and actually moving. And if a road block ends up in front of me, then at least I know it was a wrong turn. I could just backtrack and choose another.

So many roads, can’t decide which one to take

Cheers to movement! (finally, hopefully)

Same Struggles, Different Tables

An old man in tattered clothes was wearily walking along the streets of Katipunan. He was rugged and dirty and seemed homeless. His small son was with him—quietly and innocently sleeping on his back, sandwiched by a worn-out backpack which supposedly functioned as his crib.

The two peacefully entered a quaint local coffee shop. However, instead of looking for an available seat, they began approaching occupied customers in the shop’s patio. The father was presenting a small card, which seemed to be a letter for alms-begging, and was pointing to the kid hanging on his back.

The first customer, a corporate woman busy with some paperwork, upon notice of the poor man, briefly looked at him and instantly replied with an annoyed expression. She frowned and shook her head, motioning for him to leave and letting herself be consumed by her papers again.

Next, the father approached an eccentric student sitting by the nearby table. She was typing something on her laptop and enjoying her music through her enormous headphones. When she noticed the man handing over the small card, she immediately took off her headphones and courteously looked at him. After a few seconds, upon realizing his agenda, she politely said no—waving her hands and wearing an innocent look.

At that moment, a waiter finally noticed the man and quickly approached him. The waiter tapped the man on his shoulder and courteously asked him to leave. However, he kept explaining to the student and even went on to approach a third customer.

The third one was a young professional, also busy tinkering with his laptop. When the man approached him, he eagerly stopped and listened. He conversed with the man for a few minutes, even with the waiter pursuing the man to leave. He seemed to be asking questions and looked concerned with the man’s situation. He might have even given him alms and shook his hand.

A few more minutes, a knock was heard on the café’s front door. One knock. Two knocks. Three knocks. However, not a single soul inside that busy shop took notice. His knocks fell on ears deafened by the noise of bills and luxuries. The frail child hanging on his back wasn’t seen by eyes blinded by poverty and dreams. And their existence wasn’t acknowledged by hearts hardened by life’s difficulties and personal struggles.

That father and son are only two of the countless poor souls calling out to the more fortunate beings for attention. They aren’t involved with any syndicate or aren’t scheming for any theft and fraud but they are similarly ignored and scorned at. They don’t mean any harm, and are just asking for help just as a friend in need does. And yet, they are seen as evil strangers with unknown intentions.

If given a thought, all those people in that coffee shop are no different than the father and son. They are all just trying to survive and trying to perform their responsibilities to other people. It just happens that they are fortunate enough to wear decent clothes and to be sipping warm coffee.

Why then is it so difficult to heed to a stranger’s call for help when everyone is no different from him/her—struggling to survive life and looking for someone to help?

Still saying cheers for coffee shops and realizations and confusion!

Same Old

There's this certain website which allows one to send emails to the future. It's actually very simple. The website saves and keeps the letter written at the present and sends it out only at the specified future date, ranging from a couple of days, to several months, and even to a few years. Any future date would work. Also, there is an option to keep the letter private or to publish it publicly for everyone on the site to read. I’ve always kept mine private but it’s really interesting to read what other people tell their future selves. Some are hilarious while some are just weird. Either way, the letter will only be re-opened on the specified future date.

I first came across futureme.org in a teen magazine a few years ago. I immediately found the idea interesting and I soon found myself sending letters almost every month. For me, it's like a time capsule wherein the letter from my past self would take me back to that certain past period, relieving how I was back then and seeing how much I’ve changed. It's also kind of romantic — like receiving a love letter from an anonymous admirer, but instead of the sender being anonymous, the content is. I know the letter came from my past self but I wouldn’t know what I wrote to myself. It could contain either beautiful experiences or unforgiving scolding and frustrations.

Anyway, I usually use the website to write about my current thoughts, situation, frustrations, and difficulties – things I just want to get out of my head but don’t want to tell anyone or moments I would want to reminisce in the future. One night, a letter arrived in my email. As usual, I wasn’t expecting it. But I was neither ecstatic to receive it. I was having a pretty rough week and I feared the letter would add up to that stress so I avoided opening it. Unfortunately, that same night, I accidentally opened the letter while I was deleting some other emails. And as I suspected, it was indeed an un-delightful letter.

The title posted a challenge (more of a plea, actually) as I was describing who I was a year ago with a list of all-negative traits. Unfortunately, as it figures, I am still the same miserable me I was a year ago. Not one of those counter-productive adjectives changed or even mellowed down. It’s actually depressing to think about it. But maybe, all those qualities really do belong to me, that I wouldn’t be who I am if any of those disappeared. For instance, Melanie Marquez would no longer be Melanie Marquez if she learned to speak fluent English or Fr. Dacanay would cease to exist if he managed to take out that ugly frown and tacky comments. Also, Courage, the cowardly dog would no longer be courage if he finally became completely courageous.

As undecisivebutperkychinese, one of my closest friends, said, we should all learn to accept and embrace our negative traits. We should proclaim them and not try to hide them. And then, we would be able to live with these negativities, surpassing these and even making something productive out of them.

With this, maybe I should stop trying being not impulsive. Maybe I should just make the most out of it (but of course, still with care). Hopefully, this trait would get me to where I really want to be.

Cheers to confusion and more!

Chillin' at the top of Taal Volcano