To the guy I loved but never had:

Hey there!

It has been more than a year since we agreed to end things between us. And yet, it never really ended. You kept contacting me, sending me greetings, asking about my travels, and checking for updates on my life. On the other hand, I kept hoping we can get back together -- imagining how it would be different the second time, reminding myself of how we met, and holding on to all our happy moments.

During all those time, I kept trying to block you out and to replace you with someone or something. But every time you reach out to me, I am pulled back to believing that you still want me and can love me.

You were my precious and my kryptonite. I looked at you and could only think of how I want to take care of you and help you grow. I think of you now and suddenly none of the pain or challenges matter. My whole being yearns to be with you and it would be so easy to just allow myself to.

But these are merely self-made delusions, created from a sense of being needed (not just wanted) and from a spark I never knew existed. I was really happy and you made me feel understood. I will never figure out whether all the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, and the kisses we shared are real but it all kindled a warmth in me that was real.

Although it felt like the universe conspired for us to meet, the fact that we cannot decide to choose each other, simply means that we do not want each other. And because of that, I have to let you go. You have to let me go. Our chance has passed and we need to move on.

You will always be my precious and maybe my first real love. But you should not be my only one or my last. I will get up and search for a new spark. You should too.

I know this will just be another letter dedicated to you that you will never read -- and I don't intend for you to. However, I do look forward to the time I will need not write another.

Much love and sincerity,
L

Wonderful Indonesia (i.e. I wonder how I survived)

Route of overland travel: Jakarta>Yogyakarta>Surabaya>Banyuwangi Baru>Gilimanuk>Amed>Canggu

For 23 days, I travelled across Indonesia -- from Jakarta to Yogyakarta to Amed to Canggu. I traversed the islands of Java and Bali in an attempt to see how similar or different it is from my own. Initially, I feared the country for being predominantly Muslim but quickly realized that to be the least of my worries. In the end, although the country looked quite similar to my own, it never felt comfortable nor familiar.

What I have been really wanting to tell my friends was how bad of a time I was having in Indonesia. Amidst the beautiful scenery and the new adventures, I was struggling. For more than once, I wanted to burst out crying, and for more than once, I held it in. In a situation where locals can take advantage of you at the first opportunity they see and where you already are vulnerable for being alone and a foreigner, crying is not really an option.

Normally, I would feel safe wherever I am, be it in a new country, in an unfamiliar alley, or in a shared housing. I never thought that something bad (read: bad and not unpleasant) would happen to me. But in Indonesia, being in a crowded place felt like someone would rob me and passing through an empty road felt like someone would grab me. More so, local drivers seemed to always overcharge me and men on the street seemed to always stare at me.

For 23 days, I carried this sense of paranoia with me. I lost the wonder of observing locals and of discovering side streets. I took comfort in the company of foreigners and in staying inside. And, waking up for the sunrise or staying out for the sunset posed little appeal.

It was a totally different trip and a totally challenging one.

I guess, part of the problem here is that for my past travels, I have been very fortunate to experience only "good" and "not good" encounters. In this trip, I had "bad" experiences. Actually, one reason that I travel is to get exposure to the real world outside of my shell and comfort zone. So I guess, with this trip, I am becoming successful in that.

I know this is just another discomfort that I have to conquer and learn from. I may need a couple more months to get over the experience but I am confident this is not going to stop me from travelling, or from coming back to the country.

Indonesia was definitely challenging but that is not saying that it is not wonderful.

Friends Along the Way

Alona Beach, Panglao Island, Bohol

Juan, Candela, Jorge, Guille

5-13 May 2016

These Spaniards took me into their group and made effort to make me feel comfortable and not out of place. They talked in English so that I could understand their conversation even if it is very unusual for Spanish people to know English. They invited me to their barbecue dinners and shared their San Miguel and Red Horse with me. On my last night, I made Mango Float and Pork Adobo for them which they praised and appreciated. I forgot my Lock n Lock at Guille's house and he came back for it the morning I left. Jorge drove me to the habal-habal terminal because Juan had a class. Candela talked to me in a mix of English and German which I both understood. Juan took really good care of me -- always asking how I was and what I'm doing even though sometimes he was too lazy to get up in the morning.

General Luna, Siargao Island, Surigao del Norte

Juan

18-20 April 2016

I met Juan while I was walking around the hostel looking for a vacant bathroom. He called out a quick "hello" as I breezed past him. I momentarily stopped and turned around to check where it came from but didn't bother to respond because I was already a couple of meters away from him and was more focused on getting a bath. On my second attempt to find a bathroom, I headed to the 2nd floor and he was there again sitting on the bed directly outside the bathroom. I briefly checked whether the bathroom was vacant and immediately backed away because it wasn't. He saw me and invited me to sit down on the bed while waiting for his friend to finish in the bathroom. He even called out to them to say that someone is waiting in line. During our quick chat, his friend finished so I was able to take my shower. We have been saying hello's in Siargao and in Panglao since then.

Nico's Garden, Tandag City, Surigao del Sur

Virginia, Nico, John Mark, Donald, Che-Che

10-14 April 2016

I came to Nico's Garden on the recommendation of my Hinatuan soul-sister. If not for her, I would have stayed at a motel with no chance of  enjoying the sea and the breeze in Tandag. Madam Virgie, her close friend, was the manager of Nico's Garden, whose owner was her childhood friend. They introduced me to their family friends and even brought me along on a business trip in Butuan City with Nico's son, John Mark, whom Tita Virgie wants me to date. On my supposedly last day, she convinced me to stay for one more night so that I could bond with John Mark who introduced me to his side-kick (i.e. spokesperson) Donald and his girl-friend, Che-che. We had dinner by the bay and had drinks and karaoke at Nico's Garden c/o his father's business. I really appreciated how they accommodated me as a family friend instead of as a stranger.

Mabolo, Cebu City, Cebu

Ton, Paul, Tita Mimi

27 April - 5 May 2016

I have never really talked with Tita Mimi until I stayed with her for a couple of days the previous year during my travel. This time, I stayed with her for a week, not only to save on food and accommodation but also to have company and to spend time with family. Most of the time though, I was with Paul, her retired German partner, because she had to go to work. On evenings, we would drink beer, champagne, wine, and brandy and we were always happy and laughing. Ton was a former colleague of my brother who was recently assigned to Cebu City. We met up and spent some enjoyable time together. He drove me around Metro Cebu to the most amazing places and I invited him along to dinner with my Tita and Tito. It was the first time that I went around Cebu in a private car and the first time I saw the city from a local's perspective.

Jing's Place, General Luna, Siargao Island, Surigao del Norte

Ryan and Sandy

18-27 April 2016

The first friends that I made in Siargao were Ryan and Sandy. I saw Ryan preparing his surf board while I was just finishing my late lunch. I approached and shamelessly asked whether I can come with him to surf. He looked at me confused and unsure and just responded to repeat my question. Sandy came shortly after and Ryan immediately repeated my request to him. He looked at me with the same confused expression but generously agreed anyway. They made space for me on Ryan's motorcycle while Sandy carried surf boards on each arm. I rode with them to Cloud 9 and then followed them up the boardwalk as they surveyed the waves and selected an area with the least people. We agreed to meet up just before sunset as they headed out to surf and I roamed around to observe and take pictures. I made good conversation with Sandy throughout my stay while Ryan took me out one night to party with his friends.

Hidden Beaches to Visit and Discover

1. Quinale Beach

Brgy. Poblacion, Anda, Bohol

Beach-loving travelers gravitate to the south-western coast when visiting Bohol, but little do most people know that the municipality of Anda, on the eastern side, harbors one of the province's best-kept secrets. Fronting the town church and plaza, Quinale Beach is a 3km stretch of bone-white powder that melts into shallow turquoise waters, delighting even the most discerning of beach afficionados. Plus, nearby coral reefs offer spectacular diving with marine turtles, multicolored nudibranchs and pygmy seahorses.

2. Caluwayan Beach

Brgy. Caluwayan, Marabut, Samar

Despite being the third-largest island in the country, Samar still remains off the radar for most travelers. The town of Marabut in Samar province has recovered its rugged beauty three years after the wrath of Typhoon Haiyan. While its sand may not be as white as the country's premier beaches, Caluwayan Beach still wows visitors with its karst landscape and jagged offshore islands that are reminiscent of northern Palawan.

3. Tayandak Beach

Brgy. Dumangas Nuevo, Kalamansig, Sultan Kudarat

Besides its geographical isolation, a history of ethnic unrest has prevented travelers from discovering the pristine coastline of Kalamansig in southern Mindanao. That's likely to change now that peace has recently been restored in the area. Of the series of mainland beach coves facing the Celebes Sea, Tayandak Beach is the most beautiful with its fine white sand and palm trees. This west-facing coast also has spectacular sunsets and serves as a jump-off point to even more stunning beaches and snorkeling sites on Balet Island.

4. Balinghai Beach

Brgy. Yapak, Boracay Island, Malay, Aklan

A "secret beach" in Boracay? Located just south of Shangri-La Boracay Resort & Spa is the small turquoise cove of Balinghai Beach Resort, sheltered from the rest of this touristy island by limestone rocks. Accessed by a steep path down a limestone wall, this hidden corner has pockets of white sand that offer that sought-after privacy and tranquility away from the crowded shores of the island's more popular beaches.

5. Hermit's Cove (Kantabogon Cove)

Brgy. Kantabogon, Aloguinsan, Cebu

Flanked by limestone headlands, Hermit's Cove is a hidden crescent of coralline beach in the little-known town of Aloguinsan along the mid-western coast of Cebu island. The beach was named after a hermit who had lived on this once-isolated beach. Now Hermit's Cove can be reached via a wooden stairway built along the southern cliff. With the tranquil atmosphere of a sleepy fishing village, it's a perfect place for pitching a tent, and the tidal flats that stretch away to the depths of the Tanon Strait offer great snorkeling along its coral walls.

6. Nagtabon Beach

Brgy. Bacungan, Puerto Princesa City, Palawan

Veer away from the droves of tourists that flock to Honda Bay and take a motorbike instead to Nagtabon Beach along the western cost of Puerto Princesa City. Set against lush mountain ranges, this broad stretch of cream-colored sand offers dramatic sunsets over the West Philippine Sea, skim-boarding along its shallows, and even surfing on moderate swells between the months of October and February.

7. Dicotcotan Beach

Brgy. San Isidro, Palanan, Isabela

Sandwiched by the Sierra Madre mountain range and the rough fringes of the Pacific Ocean, coastal Isabela is cut off from the rest of Luzon, making it one of the last frontiers of the archipelago. The Northern Sierra Madre Natural Park contains not only the country's largest rainforest but extends to virgin shorelines like the 3km Dicotcotan Beach, which rewards the intrepid travelers who make the long and arduous journey to get there.

8. Anguib Beach

Brgy. San Vicente, Santa Ana, Cagayan

Carved along a thumb-shaped peninsula on the north-eastern corner of Luzon island, Anguib Beach is a deserted crescent white sand with pine-like casuarina trees and glorious sunsets over the Babuyan Channel. After the long drive from Tuguegarao City, it's a perfect spot for making like a willing castaway, setting up camp on soft sands and falling asleep under the sparkling night sky. Palaui Island is a protected nature reserve nearby that offers a lot of great hiking and birdwatching.

That Place Called ...

Looking for inspiration, I found myself back at my University. I am not sure why I keep coming back to these grounds but I seem to always do whenever my mind is wandering. It couldn't have been the happy memories because nothing comes to mind even if I try. So I guess it's the place itself -- the pavements lined with trees, the soft breeze in between buildings, and the blur of passing people oblivious to my presence.

*****

Presence. I like being in the background. I like being able to observe my surroundings without being asked to participate in it. I think I learn more from observing people than from interacting with them. I see perspectives they may or may not be aware of. I hear opinions they may or may not have uttered. When I talk to them, I find that I'm more focused with what I'm portraying than with what they're telling me. It's very unproductive for both but I guess it's also a necessity.

Lately, however, I seem to be making my way to the foreground. I write about my travels in a public blog. I volunteered my time and professional skills with an organization. And I'm sharing more of my stories to my friends. It's largely uncomfortable but I do it anyway.

*****

Comfort. I realize now that school hasn't always been comfortable. I hated the girls in their trendy clothes. I hated the guys in their shorts and boat shoes. I hated the kids conversing in pretentious English. And I hated the cliques blocking the hallways. I wish these are just passing fads but these are actually the people that make my school. I might have been one of them on several occasions and I might or might not have felt good about myself then.

But here I am, sitting on a bathtub-turned-bench sheltered by a cluster of leaves from the afternoon sun and trying to rummage through my thoughts. I'm constantly peeking out at the people passing by, neither hoping for a familiar face nor a friendly smile, but just watching them, and maybe noticing a pair of highlighter-green shoes there, a cute black dress here, an unnecessary pair of shades there.

The cool wind that blows on my face is comforting. It tempts me to indulge in it entirely. But I decide against it and remain half-gazing at my surroundings.

By no means do I call this place "home" -- or any place for that matter. But it has almost always given me the peace that I needed. And for that, I'll keep coming back to these familiar grounds and unfamiliar crowds.

View from within the grounds on a clear Sunday morning

Homesickness

While most people crave for Adobo or Sinigang, I crave for the words "sige", "tara!", and "ha?". While most people miss the company of their friends, I miss the company of Filipino speakers. While most people yearn for the comfort of their beds, I yearn for the comfort of my native slang.

Homesickness, for me, is not longing for a place or a person -- that's called missing. Homesickness, for me, is longing to speak my language -- to freely communicate without translating words and statements in my head.

The first time I felt it, was on a 5-day training seminar in Phuket, Thailand. There were junior consultants, senior consultants, and managers from all over Asia but I was the only delegate from the Philippines. Although I didn't have a shortage of company and I was continuously conversing with associates from Singapore, China, Indonesia, and Hong Kong, it was all in English. And the pressure to avoid saying something stupid and to say it intelligibly was mentally exhausting and depressing. It was so that the first Filipino conversation I overheard almost made me tear-up and drove me to initiate a small talk with them.

The second time, was during my volunteering trip with a hostel/AirBnb in Kyoto. I was on my 5th day and we were hanging out at our lounge when I realized that they were all speaking in their native language. The Japanese grandma was speaking in her Japanese dialect, the Malaysian girl was speaking in Malaysian English, and the American guy was speaking in English as well while I kept translating Filipino statements in my head and speaking out in a foreign language. It felt unfair. The next morning, I was still annoyed that I was blurting out Filipino expressions and phrases regardless of whether they understood me or not. This eased up my frustration a bit and I felt okay the succeeding 3 days before I came into Filipino company again and was able to speak the language freely.

Now, I'm planning to travel for at least 3 months across South East Asia with no prospects of meeting up with Filipino friends along the way. I know I'll feel homesick again and most likely within a week of being abroad. It will be extremely frustrating and depressing. But somehow, the idea seems irrelevant and the least bit of my worries. While most people are afraid to leave for fear of getting homesick, I am afraid to leave for countless reasons not one of which is homesickness.

Travelling with friends from home definitely brings more comfort than just company. It also offers a cure for homesickness, whether it be for food, activities, sympathy, or communication.

A Road Trip for the Discerning

On the morning of December 2nd, despite unresolved conflicts, I drove out 500km to the Ilocos province with a reconnected friend for a pre-planned birthday trip, my birthday trip. I was originally planning to take the bus alone to La Union and to meditate amidst the crashing waves and would-be surfers. But a random chat message wiped away all those plans and I'm more than thankful that it did.

She picked me up a little bit later than planned, hungry for anything to eat and flustered over her must-brings. We asked how each one was doing and very quickly found out that this was going to be no ordinary road trip but a road trip with a purpose -- a road trip for the discerning (and the romantically problematic). While she was discerning whether she is ready to chase after and to commit to a missed opportunity, I was discerning whether it's still worth it to keep holding on to something I cannot fully commit to. There was the question of commitment for both of us, albeit with different circumstances and implications. Although this was never the intention of the trip, it became the central theme, in between philosophical wanderings and natural wonders.

This car has been through a few close encounters, up and down in the mountains, and left and right on sharp turns, but never broke down on us, quite unlike our unsound relationships.

Our first stop was Vigan, a UNESCO World Heritage site that is a city born within a museum. I've walked along Calle Crisologo a couple of times before and was unfairly unenthusiastic to subscribe to anything touristy. But wifey* soon expressed her frustration so we agreed for a 1-hour tricycle tour. The driver took us to (1) Baluarte which is the unnatural home to some African animals and a yellow submarine; (2) Hidden Garden which is a private home surrounded by a well-maintained garden and opened to the public for dining and plants-seeing; (3) the Quirino Museum where I unearthed in me an interest for museum stories and displays; and, (4) the Crisologo Museum, which is wholly dedicated to Cong. Floro Crisologo and blatantly asks for donation to maintain an unimpressive collection.

The Bantay Bell Tower stands just outside the city of Vigan, in the municipality of Bantay, and offers a 360-degree view of the region, spanning from mountain to coast. It was our last stop in Vigan before driving onwards to Laoag and then Pagudpud

The sun has long set when we arrived at Pagudpud. We were within range of the windmills when I noticed how dark the sky was and how bright the stars were shining down on us. We decided to stop the car then and there, in the middle of an empty road and with only our car lights to indicate our presence, to marvel at the universe above us. The whole sky was littered with tiny spotlights and illuminated gas clouds while a soft, cold wind constantly blew on our faces. It felt magical and at the same time frightening -- not because I felt small and insignificant compared to those celestials, but because it was pitch black and I felt paranoid that someone or something would come out of nowhere and attack us. Nonetheless, nothing did and it will be one of those life experiences I'll forever dream of.

It was by this road where we stopped the previous night to gaze at the universe. I could hear the turbines spinning with the wind and see the red lights blinking from the turbine heads then but I didn't realize there were this many.

The next morning, we woke up to a failed attempt to catch the sunrise. The skies were already lit and the orange orb which is the sun was already above the horizon. We started the day early anyway, walking along the shore and watching the rest of the town wake up. We soon found a spot for breakfast where wifey introduced me to her initiative against sachets and where some local dogs patiently waited for our food scraps. All the while, thick dark clouds heavy with rain silently moved in and threatened to make the day colder than desired. Nevertheless, wifey took a dip, taunting the surging water to pull her in and discreetly swimming too close to an unknowing group of fellow vacationers. I preferred to hang back under what little shade I could find and enjoyed watching the wind make everything dance to its will.

Not the highlight of Maira-ira beach, this area of dead reefs and dried up seaweeds was where I watched the sunrise from almost two years ago on a Chinese New Year rush to a trip up north. It was the first of my solo backpacking travels and it was filled with too many doubts and fears.

It was again night time when we arrived at La Union, our final destination. The hostel was empty and we were starving so we took off to look for dinner. Under a strict budget, we had to make two rounds of the restaurant options before settling for the popular Greek restaurant which was adorned with male and female attendants in Greek-inspired outfits. We shared one yogurt shake, a serving of Tzatziki, and a chicken souvlaki to indulge on our only expensive meal for the trip. With still no potential new friends back at the hostel, we attempted to camp out at the beach but eventually retreated due to unseen insects snacking on us. A little past midnight, I woke her up from her hammock and awkwardly whispered, "ui batiin mo ako :D", to which she responded with a warm hug.

On the way back south, wifey spotted a ruin by the beach and despite my many objections, she stopped the car and hastily went down. We entered the abandoned skeletal building and stopped at this boulder fence to watch the waves crash and some goats graze.

The following day was much more social. The morning brought us Ivy, a solo traveller who frequently and impulsively goes on weekend trips, typically with strangers or with friends made during her trips. Mid-day brought us "Kuya-Girl", a local surfer who looks, speaks,and moves like a female but persistently claims to be a male. Post-lunch brought us Jane and Carlos, an ex-couple whose relationships are ending or have recently ended and who are currently discerning whether they want to get back together or not. Jane is a self-confessed bum who still depends on parental support while trying to learn Japanese and Carlos is a freelance architect with the typical boy-next-door look and a good-guy vibe. Coffee time brought us Rennel, a freelance photographer who has been conistently going back to La Union and is open to residing in the area but cannot yet find a suitable residence. And lastly, the evening brought us Emma, a British backpacker who just came from the Mountain Province and is planning to pursue post-grad studies for a certain philanthropic specialization I cannot remember after her travels.

We got up early the next morning for a guided tour to Tangadan Falls with the hostel people. It was an unfairly discounted deal that was still too expensive for our daily budget but it was our last day and a last chance to get to know other people. Unfortunately, we were bundled up with (1) a cliquish group of weekend warriors who kept complaining how challenging it was to walk on a mostly flat trail; (2) a duo of female cousins who also complained but only intermittently and could have been potential acquaintances but were more comfortable talking between them; and (3) Ivy who never complained and whom we've already met but didn't seem interested to converse with us. While wifey ended up with an intensive bonding session with kuya tour guide, I enjoyed being back on the trail, swinging from tree trunks and spotting the best footholds. After the tour, we were craving for food and invited Ivy and the cousins to have lunch at a carinderia to which they disappointingly declined.

It was drizzling and the water was cold but all of us swam in and went under the curtain of falling water. Wifey and I found goggles among our group and did freediving, which I found difficult because I was shivering and a bit terrifying because I am scared of fresh water pools.

Shortly before sunset, we were back on the road -- back to Manila and with Ivy in tow. We offered her to rideshare the morning we met her to save on expenses and for an extended bonding session. Unfortunately, she seemed more interested with her news feed than with conversation with us. I won't blame her. She wasn't aboard the road-trip-for-the-discerning train.

Throughout the whole trip, whether we be driving, eating, preparing for bed, preparing to leave, strolling, watching something, or doing nothing, wifey and I talked about love and relationships. It was mostly philosophical and theoretical. Like "relationships have a 100% probability for failure because individuals will always have differing wants and conflicting interests. So for it to have the slightest probability for success, you should give your 100%." But these aside, we also talked about random stuff like cat-calls, tourists versus travellers, Chinese history, waving competitions, etc.

I learned a lot during that trip. We weren't able to end it with concrete answers to our discernings. But maybe we came out better equipped to find those answers ourselves.