Sunday, January 19, 2014

The First Day of My Life

2013 had been the toughest year in my young life so far. I know it wasn't just for me and although I didn't encounter any of the national crises that made the year especially challenging, it still felt like I was hit by emotional floods and uncertainty storms. All of them caught me off-guard and all of them hit me to the core.

But as 2013 approached its end, and as another year was added to my age, I obtained an increasing sense of hope. I felt that the coming new year offers a fresh new start -- an opportunity to make things right and to make up for all the negative outlooks and unrealized goals.

With this, I came up with a bucket list that I intend to accomplish before I kick 2014 out. This will serve as my shining guide to making the start of my 23rd year in this world the first day of my life. Cheers!



2014 Bucket List

  • Get a full-time office job

For most of my post-grad career, I have worked as an independent business consultant which allowed me to work where and when as I please. Although this is the kind of flexibility that most people crave for, I realized that the type of work that I do doesn't give me the exposure and experience that I want. I don't meet people and I only get "shallowly" involved with a project. This 2014, I want to meet new people, make new friends, learn more about my industry, and commit to a full-time work.

Update: As of 15 Jan 2014, I am officially hired as a Business Analyst at a Singapore-based market research and business consulting firm. Although I still have an option to work from home, I am glad that I now have a steady flow of work and an opportunity for more exposure.
Update2: After 5 months under a temporary contract, I was successfully converted into a permanent position with a higher base salary but also with income tax, required contributions, and leave benefits. Work has become very challenging, physically, emotionally and intellectually but I am learning a lot and not yet 100% hating the office.
Update3: I'm now 10 months in and a lot has certainly happened. I have travelled to Singapore and to Phuket for training and to Cebu for fieldwork. I have met with business owners, corporate executives, and international colleagues. I have worked almost 80 hours in a week. Everything has become unnatural and challenging and although I still am not yet 100% hating the office, I am unhappy with the nature of my work and the circumstances surrounding it.
Update4: I submitted my resignation letter late November before I went out for my scheduled 2-week annual leave. My Director didn't accept it and gave me the rest of the year off instead so that I could reflect more on my decision. However, before I took that additional vacation, we talked and I finalized my resignation saying that I no longer feel enthusiastic about work unlike when I was still starting out. We agreed to set my last day of employment as Associate Consultant on 30 January 2015, just over a year after I accepted the position.

  • Travel solo
Although I try to make my travels as "non-touristy" as possible, I feel that I can't call myself a real traveller unless I've done it solo. I know I have the skills and smarts to do it but I haven't found the guts to do so. I had a couple of attempts by now and both ended up getting thankfully cancelled for circumstantial reasons. So this 2014, I want to finally do it. I'll choose a beach destination, get on a bus (or a plane), and enjoy the scenery by my lonesome self.

Update: I spent the first long weekend of the year (31 Jan - 2 Feb 2014, Chinese New Year) in Ilocos. I journeyed to Pagudpud, spending one night in Vigan and an hour in Laoag, where I tried surfing, conversed with both locals and fellow visitors, watched the sunrise, and enjoyed a meal in Bergblick. I was truly happy, satisfied and amazed. The trip wasn't smooth but all the obstacles were definitely worth it!
Update2: I made a quick and impulsive escape to Liw-liwa in Zambales on the Sunday early morning of 6 April 2014. The city just felt tiresome so I developed an unreasonable urge to go out. I met at least 3 people, saw the reddest of all sunsets, and played hostel receptionist to weary teenage backpackers. The whole experience felt stupid and awkward but liberating at the same time.
Update3: I had three solo trips for work: Singapore in August, and Cebu in September and Phuket in September also. None of them were enjoyable because the pressure to be productive kept looming above my head. I only had half-a-day free in Singapore, 3 peaceful hours in Cebu, and one afternoon in Phuket with the Chinese delegates. I realized that I don't want to travel for work because it sucks the freedom out of it.
Update4: I went to Baler for my birthday during my annual leave after which I went further up to Baguio and then to Sagada to escape the impending typhoon in Manila. The trip was a bit spontaneous and I didn't have concrete plans so I felt somewhat lost in some parts but it was a very welcome breathe of fresh air and greenery.

  • Invest in a dollar fund
This is admittedly the easiest among my list but being able to easily check off a to-do would certainly help. I requested to be paid in cash dollars for my last airline research project for two reasons. The first one was to avoid spending the whole amount on stuff that I want and the second was to use it on something that I might need instead. I was already dreaming about how to happily spend my earnings but a small voice inside me insisted that I just invest it. The small voice won and as of 17 Jan 2014, my dollar investment has already gained USD1.09.

  • Have customized bed done
I live in a studio unit and making the most out of the small space has always been a struggle. Because the bed occupies the most space, and because I don't actually have a bed but a mattress on top of another, I thought I'd want a space-efficient one custom-made to my preferences. I've already drafted some designs and contacted some furniture makers but haven't finalized anything yet. Besides not yet earning the money, I am also undecided with my design. I'm investing not only cash but also space so I want it to be perfect.

Update: After a few sketches, several internet searches, and 3 months of delay, I am finally sleeping on a real bed. It is spacious indeed but not as space-efficient as I wanted it to be. The furniture maker didn't exactly follow my design, removing the cabinets I was looking forward to the most and the not giving enough space for my other mattress.

  • Enroll in an archery class
Watching my brother play Diablo around a decade ago, I always thought that archers were the best characters to use because they have long-range attacks and I would often wonder about the weapons themselves and how they work. This may have imbibed in me a certain curiosity towards bows and arrows. Two years ago, I finally got to try one and although I didn't feel inexplicable joy shooting arrows through a target, I felt determined to actually learn the skill.

Update: Earlier this March, I finally put my money down and enrolled for Gandiva's Basic Archery Program. I've done 4 out of 15 hours, the string no longer hits my left arm, and my arrows are developing a grouping. I'm currently taking a break from training because my shoulder began to hurt after the 2nd session and I'm afraid it might get worse. But I definitely enjoy being in the range and I intend to finish the course.

  • Go on a few dates
Because my last romantic involvement started while I was still in College and ended just recently, I felt that I missed out on going out and meeting new people. I missed the thrill and novelty of talking with someone you barely (but are interested to) know. So this 2014, I would like to be asked on a date, feel excited over it, and get to know a new interesting person.

Update: Although they may not qualify as "dates" according to the description above, I am currently "seeing" two different guys from different backgrounds and with seemingly different intentions. Neither are, in no way, serious relationships but I have been in regular contact with them for at least a month now (June 2014), with one more casual and/or faster-paced than the other.
Update2: My crush from the office invited me for a dinner and movie date on 23 August 2014. We had an extended dinner at Sumosam while waiting for the last full show of Rurouni Kenshin in Gateway. After which we got drinks at Oyster Boy because it felt still early to go home at 12:30mn. I had been eyeing him since his first day and it felt an achievement to have him finally ask me out.
Update3: I was able to go out with a few guys during the year. It was fun. It was exciting. And sometimes confusing. I kept my wall up the whole time to protect me from heartaches and to contain my crazy eyes. However, after a year, I now feel that I'm done juggling dates and would like to focus on something else (or someone?). I will still keep the two-years of singlehood I promised (and I feel I need) though and will still entertain dates but maybe with less pursuit.


Other achievements:

  • Go to the theater alone. I watched "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty" in SM Megamall on 22 January 2014, the movie's opening day. There were only a few people in the cinema (mostly couples) and I awkwardly ended up sitting next to a young family. I enjoyed the movie even if I only had my lame hotdog sandwich for a buddy.
  • Drive along NLEX to Bulacan. Although this may not be as big of a deal as the others (I was never nervous), I still think that this is a milestone since I was able to extend my "comfort zone" to a little bit up north this 2 July 2014 (Pasig City Day). I have never driven along NLEX on my own and I have never stepped foot on Bulacan before so that's two firsts and one new destination.
  • Have something stolen. (Not exactly an achievement on my part but it was an experience). While on my way to a meeting in Paco, Manila on 26 September 2014, I put my phone inside my laptop bag's side pocket for easy access and to free both my hands for reading and holding on to the train's handrails. The setup proved to be indeed convenient, even for pick pockets, as when I checked again, the zipper was open and my Samsung N7100 gone.
  • Party hard. As most of my friends are conservative, we never really went to parties and drinking was almost always controlled. But on 5 July 2014, with a group of more daring friends, I ended up attending Unleashed 2 among a crowd of college kids and got wasted on Southern Comfort. Most of the night was a blur and the following morning a jigsaw puzzle. But the hang-over was well worth it and I got a couple of bead bracelets and stranger hugs in return.
  • Make friends from scratch. For the first three months of my full-time employment, I had no office friends, mostly because of the setup of my department. I didn't talk to anyone, I ate lunch at my desk, and I didn't take coffee breaks. And then one day, at the office wash room, I initiated a conversation and made a friend. Since then, office chats were an hourly habit, lunch breaks were a riot, and coffee breaks extended to an hour.

*Post to be updated on an ongoing basis whenever appropriate.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

A Very (Un)Happy Birthday To Me


It was a few hours on the morning of my 23rd birthday and I just woke up. I had two unread birthday messages on my phone and none on Facebook. I didn't get up immediately and remained in my bed. I was waiting for something but I didn't know what. I just didn't feel like getting up, like moving, or like doing anything. So I just laid there.

I started thinking about past birthdays and how excited I was every time the day nears. I would always look forward to it like it was a very exciting and eventful day. And on the day itself, I would be all-smiles the whole day and feel like nothing could ruin it. But this particular birthday was different. I was neither excited for it nor all-smiles about it. And it didn't feel like a normal day either. It was a very un-special day, if you ask me.

After thirty minutes or so, I finally got up. But as soon as I did, emotions started flooding in. I didn't know what they are. I didn't recognize them. And I didn't know what to do. There was a continuous tugging and jolting around the area of my heart for a couple of minutes. It was really unpleasant and uncomfortable. Once it stopped, I decided that I shouldn't stay home alone during the day so I showered and got out of my unit as soon as I can.

Stepping out, I actually had nowhere I wanted to go. So I just walked until I spotted a crowded enough tea shop that also serves waffles. It was perfect since I haven't eaten anything yet. Although walking usually calms me down and clears my head, I found myself ignoring and disregarding a little unpleasant voice inside me. I was consciously doing it and I know I needed to, else I might end up crying on the street.

I knew I had to surround myself with people and pretend to be occupied to be able to keep shunning the voice away. I went to the school's library hoping to find a familiar face but in vain. The voice was getting stronger so I walked again and filled my mind with the images surrounding me. It had been working and the day was almost over.

Come dinner time, I met with boyfriend whom I was hoping to bump into at school. He was supposed to make this struggle of keeping the voice silent a breeze but seeing him proved to be the opposite. I felt lonelier than I did the whole day and everything just burst. The loneliness quickly became anger and resentment and it was soon unbearable.

I hated that most of my friends forgot about my birthday just because it wasn't on Facebook. I hated that boyfriend didn't get that he was the reason I went to the school library. I hated that the "special-ness" of birthdays depend on the people who would supposedly remember you. I hated that most of the birthday greetings came in during the evening after I have felt lonely and unimportant the whole day. Lastly, I hated that I found myself stuck waiting for people to remember me just because that was how I have been trained to think for at least 22 years.

I again tried to walk all these thoughts and emotions off. I found myself roaming along the streets and inside the campus at close to midnight. I had been to the same areas during the day and they actually felt different. The air was cold, the people were few, and the surroundings were dark. The silence, the sights, and the sweat eventually calmed my nerves and I went back feeling a lot better, although still not special, than I did the whole day.

It was an eventful day alright, just not in a good sense. It was the day I realized, and admitted to myself, how lonely I was and how much I needed my friends.