It was a few hours on the morning of my 23rd birthday and I just woke up. I had two unread birthday messages on my phone and none on Facebook. I didn't get up immediately and remained in my bed. I was waiting for something but I didn't know what. I just didn't feel like getting up, like moving, or like doing anything. So I just laid there.
I started thinking about past birthdays and how excited I was every time the day nears. I would always look forward to it like it was a very exciting and eventful day. And on the day itself, I would be all-smiles the whole day and feel like nothing could ruin it. But this particular birthday was different. I was neither excited for it nor all-smiles about it. And it didn't feel like a normal day either. It was a very un-special day, if you ask me.
After thirty minutes or so, I finally got up. But as soon as I did, emotions started flooding in. I didn't know what they are. I didn't recognize them. And I didn't know what to do. There was a continuous tugging and jolting around the area of my heart for a couple of minutes. It was really unpleasant and uncomfortable. Once it stopped, I decided that I shouldn't stay home alone during the day so I showered and got out of my unit as soon as I can.
Stepping out, I actually had nowhere I wanted to go. So I just walked until I spotted a crowded enough tea shop that also serves waffles. It was perfect since I haven't eaten anything yet. Although walking usually calms me down and clears my head, I found myself ignoring and disregarding a little unpleasant voice inside me. I was consciously doing it and I know I needed to, else I might end up crying on the street.
I knew I had to surround myself with people and pretend to be occupied to be able to keep shunning the voice away. I went to the school's library hoping to find a familiar face but in vain. The voice was getting stronger so I walked again and filled my mind with the images surrounding me. It had been working and the day was almost over.
Come dinner time, I met with boyfriend whom I was hoping to bump into at school. He was supposed to make this struggle of keeping the voice silent a breeze but seeing him proved to be the opposite. I felt lonelier than I did the whole day and everything just burst. The loneliness quickly became anger and resentment and it was soon unbearable.
I hated that most of my friends forgot about my birthday just because it wasn't on Facebook. I hated that boyfriend didn't get that he was the reason I went to the school library. I hated that the "special-ness" of birthdays depend on the people who would supposedly remember you. I hated that most of the birthday greetings came in during the evening after I have felt lonely and unimportant the whole day. Lastly, I hated that I found myself stuck waiting for people to remember me just because that was how I have been trained to think for at least 22 years.
I again tried to walk all these thoughts and emotions off. I found myself roaming along the streets and inside the campus at close to midnight. I had been to the same areas during the day and they actually felt different. The air was cold, the people were few, and the surroundings were dark. The silence, the sights, and the sweat eventually calmed my nerves and I went back feeling a lot better, although still not special, than I did the whole day.
It was an eventful day alright, just not in a good sense. It was the day I realized, and admitted to myself, how lonely I was and how much I needed my friends.
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