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| SCTEX from Clark to Subic to San Narciso and vice versa |
We were quarreling. My frustrations finally spilled out and I ended up throwing out words born from resentment. But I still didn't get the response I was hoping for so I let go and ran off with my insanity.
I packed a bag and drove off to the north. I only had vague plans to steer me but it didn't matter. I needed to get out. As I stopped by at a gas station to nourish my long-starving body, recollections of the previous nights trickled in and I, more than once, caught myself just blankly staring and giving in. I don't know whether this caught the attention of the surrounding servers but they approached me twice to offer pastries and desserts.
As I continued on to my journey, I occupied my thoughts with the road and with onward plans. I meant to go to see the beach and the sunset but my late afternoon departure suggested it's safer to spend the night somewhere nearer and more familiar. I checked in at a hotel beside one I was just in the previous month but not before driving through an unknown provincial road and gut-feeling my way. I settled in, lavished on the kilometers I've travelled, and resolved on making contact again just before closing my eyes.
The following day, we resumed talking (fb-messaging actually) and agreed that this runaway trip has been long overdue. We admitted to having different wants, needs, and priorities at the moment and to holding each other back instead of pushing each other forward. I thought it wasn't completely a mismatch but a fault in timing and present goals. But either way, it has been making both our situations challenging and confusing. And, it was because of this that I suggested parting ways -- a thought that has been swimming in me for a while now due to the conflicting circumstances.
Although I was the one to say it (an act historically belonging to me than to the other person), I was extremely doubtful and hesitant. I have been going through a lot of frustrations and paranoia because of this unspoken relationship but I still didn't want to let go of it that easily. It was just stupid.
As both of us felt the same way, i.e. not willing to commit to either separating or confirming the relationship, a conclusion wasn't made and we just kept on discussing. We maintained contact while I leaped from one town to another, from one highway to another, from one hotel room to another. And for every stopover that I make, my emotions spilled out -- almost making a scene not only out of my presence as a young girl travelling on her own but also out of my widely varying blank stares and animated gestures.
As weather conditions were as dreadful as my sentiments, I failed to see a single grain of sand or a ray of sunset. What I got were buckets of water hammering against my windshield, a fuel level threatening to strand me, and cat-calls thrown at me in the early morning. But none of this I minded. I have finally let myself out of the city and even with a tiny bit of guilty feeling, I felt free and myself once more.
A few days after, I went home, somehow less of a drama queen than when I first left but still a drama queen nonetheless. There was no conclusion still from either party but resentments and arguments were suspended in place of storytelling and humor. I am not sure how much I gained from my short escapade but now I know what I should never give up for him.
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| The beach that I never saw |
#Differing needs and wants
#Divided priorities
