Don't Think, Just Do

I haven’t really been inspired to write anything recently. In fact, I haven’t really been moved to do anything at all. And all that I have been involved with for the past few months were just selfish, unproductive, short-lived, and senseless merry-making. I feel that I haven’t really achieved anything—that I haven’t transitioned yet from being a student to being a graduate—and that I’m actually no better than a bum, except that I’m making a little bit of money, spending more than my school allowance, and living in a so-called home.

While my batchmates are busy with their corporate jobs and making their parents proud, I’m back at home still trying to figure out what I want and how to get it. I guess this is still part of the whole “okay-I-am-done-with-school-what’s-next” dilemma. And unfortunately, this thing has been going on for an extra extended amount of time, 6 months to be precise.

The last months of my last semester were a struggle. Lessons felt like food I could no longer swallow and requirements like vacuums sucking out the life off of me. Although there was the comfort of friends and a regular schedule to anticipate, school life still seemed a needle hole which I needed to successfully get through.

Fortunately, although I barely had interest in studying and was certain to fail a subject, I survived the semester with surprisingly good grades and finally graduated.

After graduation, I became worse. I became obsessed with freedom, with time, and with having someone with me all the time. I indulged my happy-go-lucky self and began acting according to my moods. I really didn’t know where I’m going but I kept on escaping that fact by resulting to non-stable and risky but idealistically-aligned propositions. Instead of exerting full effort to create a real opportunity for myself, I resolved to the easier and more convenient option.

I have a very ambitious life-goal. Unfortunately, I am not strong-willed enough to be ambitious enough for that goal. I keep on writing it down and thinking it out in my head but never laying out steps for it. Sometimes, I know what to do. But more often, I falter. I always hesitate to take action—to actually do what I imagine to do—because fear always steps in. I am so afraid to commit mistakes and tend to remain stagnant when being stagnant itself is already a mistake.

I know I need to move, to transition. But HOW?

A week ago, I did something unusual, insane, and, maybe, brow-raising. I was tremendously hesitant about it at first, with my mind and my heart battling it out, but I eventually decided to stop thinking and just walk (don’t think, just do). I walked, and travelled, trying to keep my thoughts silent, until I no longer had a choice but to go with it. I blocked out anxieties and focused on the goal and eventually found myself two steps away from it.

Although the event was totally based on irrational logic, it actually came out appropriate in the end. So I guess this is what I have to do if I want movement in my life. I need to stop entertaining worried and doubting thoughts and just start walking and actually moving. And if a road block ends up in front of me, then at least I know it was a wrong turn. I could just backtrack and choose another.

So many roads, can’t decide which one to take

Cheers to movement! (finally, hopefully)