To the guy I loved but never had:

Hey there!

It has been more than a year since we agreed to end things between us. And yet, it never really ended. You kept contacting me, sending me greetings, asking about my travels, and checking for updates on my life. On the other hand, I kept hoping we can get back together -- imagining how it would be different the second time, reminding myself of how we met, and holding on to all our happy moments.

During all those time, I kept trying to block you out and to replace you with someone or something. But every time you reach out to me, I am pulled back to believing that you still want me and can love me.

You were my precious and my kryptonite. I looked at you and could only think of how I want to take care of you and help you grow. I think of you now and suddenly none of the pain or challenges matter. My whole being yearns to be with you and it would be so easy to just allow myself to.

But these are merely self-made delusions, created from a sense of being needed (not just wanted) and from a spark I never knew existed. I was really happy and you made me feel understood. I will never figure out whether all the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, and the kisses we shared are real but it all kindled a warmth in me that was real.

Although it felt like the universe conspired for us to meet, the fact that we cannot decide to choose each other, simply means that we do not want each other. And because of that, I have to let you go. You have to let me go. Our chance has passed and we need to move on.

You will always be my precious and maybe my first real love. But you should not be my only one or my last. I will get up and search for a new spark. You should too.

I know this will just be another letter dedicated to you that you will never read -- and I don't intend for you to. However, I do look forward to the time I will need not write another.

Much love and sincerity,
L