Un-lost in La Union

That morning I realized what I should do

It was a moment of impulsiveness again. I was walking home at 1am when the idea of going to La Union hit me out of nowhere. There was no trigger aside from my familiar forlorn. There was no rationalization apart from I could possibly catch the sunrise. But there was just enough sanity that I did not jump on a bus then and there and allowed for at least a day to let the thought sink in instead.

A full day, half a bucket of beer, and a bitter comment later, I finally got myself to the famed San Juan surfing beach. It wasn't the nicest of my rides and the smoothest of my decisions but arriving was definitely a pleasant relief. With no actual plans for being in La Union, I defaulted to just being there. I found a comfortable spot on the beach and watched how the place moves and breathes as I waited for the sunset.

The following day, I still defaulted to doing nothing. I walked along to the other side of the beach until I found an empty shade and sat under it. It was a weekday morning and the beach was mostly vacant. I squeezed myself onto the two bamboo poles so that I could uncomfortably lie down on the make-shift seats and then I indulged in my thoughts and reveries.

It didn't take long for me to spring back up again and take out a pen and paper. The normality and obviousness of the idea surprised me and I wondered why I didn't thought of it sooner. It was so common sense! It was so appropriate! And it felt so near! A hostel on a beach facing the sunset that would also be my home and income generator. Why not?

I started scribbling down the idea like I've had it for years. I'll do this and this and this. I'll put it on a beach facing the west that is still reasonably accessible from Manila. I'll apply what I've learned from my travels and will get feedback from fellow travellers. I'll scout for land soon and target to have it up by the next year or so. It was exciting and my brain was on overdrive again.

I looked up at the ocean once more and smiled to myself and to the world. I finally have (sort of) a plan. :)

Dreamland Intoxication

There's just some days when waking up from a reverie seem too unfounded a task. And indulging in daydreams present a more practical occupation instead. I know this is in the least bit advisable, especially in this dog-eat-dog reality. But sometimes I just can't help but let go of my eternally governmental self and set free my inhibited reckless self. So I positioned myself in a dream-forgiving stance, stared out the window onto the happening street, and let myself be consumed with unlikely visions of my personal paradise  -- as I willingly enter the daydreamer's world.

As hours went by unnoticed, and as chats coursed in and out of my consciousness, I remained a willing prisoner of my fantasies -- feeling limitless and heeding no importance to the day's demands. I travelled to Bangkok and watched the sunset in Langkawi. I wore trendy clothes in Tokyo and made friends with fellow travellers in Kyoto. I put up a comfortable hostel and spent my days lounging in the sand. I carried my world everywhere and carried myself with poise and confidence. It was intoxicating. It was addicting. It was everything but unpleasant.

And then, feeling satisfied with the frolic of my imagination, I slowly pulled back and woke up to my current reality. Although my present isn't that unpleasant, it, no doubt, doesn't stand a hair's chance on my dreamy future. But it's real and it's here and it's what I can cherish now. But maybe someday I'll turn those dreams into reality and it will be a million times better. But until then, I'll be slipping in and out of the world only I know of -- waiting, gathering until enough courage beams in.

Runaway Drama Queen

SCTEX from Clark to Subic to San Narciso and vice versa

We were quarreling. My frustrations finally spilled out and I ended up throwing out words born from resentment. But I still didn't get the response I was hoping for so I let go and ran off with my insanity.

I packed a bag and drove off to the north. I only had vague plans to steer me but it didn't matter. I needed to get out. As I stopped by at a gas station to nourish my long-starving body, recollections of the previous nights trickled in and I, more than once, caught myself just blankly staring and giving in. I don't know whether this caught the attention of the surrounding servers but they approached me twice to offer pastries and desserts.

As I continued on to my journey, I occupied my thoughts with the road and with onward plans. I meant to go to see the beach and the sunset but my late afternoon departure suggested it's safer to spend the night somewhere nearer and more familiar. I checked in at a hotel beside one I was just in the previous month but not before driving through an unknown provincial road and gut-feeling my way. I settled in, lavished on the kilometers I've travelled, and resolved on making contact again just before closing my eyes.

The following day, we resumed talking (fb-messaging actually) and agreed that this runaway trip has been long overdue. We admitted to having different wants, needs, and priorities at the moment and to holding each other back instead of pushing each other forward. I thought it wasn't completely a mismatch but a fault in timing and present goals. But either way, it has been making both our situations challenging and confusing. And, it was because of this that I suggested parting ways -- a thought that has been swimming in me for a while now due to the conflicting circumstances.

Although I was the one to say it (an act historically belonging to me than to the other person), I was extremely doubtful and hesitant. I have been going through a lot of frustrations and paranoia because of this unspoken relationship but I still didn't want to let go of it that easily. It was just stupid.

As both of us felt the same way, i.e. not willing to commit to either separating or confirming the relationship, a conclusion wasn't made and we just kept on discussing. We maintained contact while I leaped from one town to another, from one highway to another, from one hotel room to another. And for every stopover that I make, my emotions spilled out -- almost making a scene not only out of my presence as a young girl travelling on her own but also out of my widely varying blank stares and animated gestures.

As weather conditions were as dreadful as my sentiments, I failed to see a single grain of sand or a ray of sunset. What I got were buckets of water hammering against my windshield, a fuel level threatening to strand me, and cat-calls thrown at me in the early morning. But none of this I minded. I have finally let myself out of the city and even with a tiny bit of guilty feeling, I felt free and myself once more.

A few days after, I went home, somehow less of a drama queen than when I first left but still a drama queen nonetheless. There was no conclusion still from either party but resentments and arguments were suspended in place of storytelling and humor. I am not sure how much I gained from my short escapade but now I know what I should never give up for him.

The beach that I never saw

#Relationship dominance
#Differing needs and wants
#Divided priorities

Thoughts During a Stormy Afternoon

Watching the thunderstorm from my window, scared and fascinated

It was one of those days when my brain isn't in the mood to work. There were virtually no thought processes and I just felt calm and chill. So I went out to attempt productivity at a coffee shop. But after two hours of waiting for my mind to gather, I gave up, went home and took a nap.

A few hours later, I woke up to the sound of water and wind spattering against my window. Another thunderstorm broke the heat of the day and it has quickly turned everything dark and rumbly. However, instead of taking advantage of the "bed weather" and getting back to my nap, I found myself sitting up and scooting over towards my window.

It was a fascinating sight. Clouds were dark and gloomy but not all throughout -- there was still a patch of sunlight over the west side. Rain was pouring hard and sometimes made music against the walls and windows. Lightning struck the ground, seemingly at random, and was closely followed by booming and threatening thunder. The wind also blew strong, creating waves amidst the pouring rain and pushing leaves to dance according to its impulse. I was enjoying myself and I realized again how much I admire nature.

During that time, a thought finally came over. I want someone who would sit with me and also enjoy watching the rain pour down. I remember this wasn't the first time I savored the sight of water droplets falling from the skies while wind blew almost non-stop from random. So I must really like it. And I wouldn't want to settle down with a person who won't spend time for those moments with or without me. :)

Sunsets: Love or Hate?`

I've been back-reading my previous posts in this blog. And I can't believe what I said just 4 years ago.

"not a fan of sunsets"....really???

Meanwhile, this is what I wrote 6 days ago.

Sipalay Sunset not in my top list

I remember that for every day of that Visayas traverse trip, I intently put in "Sunset watch" at 6pm because I wanted to see the sunset from different places. But I also said that I wasn't a fan. And apparently, the sunset from Sipalay didn't end up at my fave-sunsets list (although I think the "unremarkable sunset" was due to bad timing more than anything).

Well, now I'm confused whether I did like sunsets back then or was still trying to like them. And this is an issue (slight) for me because I really am a fan of sunsets now! I don't chase them everyday and I don't get frustrated whenever thick dark clouds hide them from me. But, I think I'm "in love" with sunsets now -- but "to think" may mean I just convinced myself "to be in love" with sunsets.

So, is it wrong that watching sunsets now make me feel this way when I only convinced myself to have those feelings?