Transitions

Note: This post was originally written in early-April when I was still adjusting to life in the project house. I went to Panglao for a 3-month volunteer stint with a marine conservation NGO where I worked and lived with people from different nationalities.

It has been more than a week since I officially joined this Panglao-based project and a little more than a month since I decided to. Although there are no immigration procedures or language barriers to go through, it was still a significant transition for me. Coming from maintaining an apartment on my own to sharing a bedroom with two other girls and from self-managed projects aimed at sustaining myself financially to team projects aimed at sustaining livability for marine mammals, it is a whole new world.

Although adjusting to new situations is not foreign for me, this time feels different as it is not only a change in place but also a change in lifestyle and goals. As a frequent traveller, moving from one place to another -- whether for a single night or for a few days -- has become natural for me. And I sometimes spontaneously go off to some beach destination or on a random road trip just because I can. But these are just changes in place and I still get to retain my independent and self-centered lifestyle. Since moving to Panglao however, I have to work around instructions, requirements, and household chores. I am no longer the head of my own house or the manager of my own project and a self-absorbed and impulsive lifestyle will not really work. Aside from this, the goal has shifted from knowing a certain place and absorbing what I can from it to understanding a specific situation and trying to contribute to it.

Nevertheless, everything has been a good experience so far. There are lots to learn and lots to discover and I am one who is enticed by challenges.

The whole point, really, of volunteering for this project is to expand my comfort zone, which we all know is never an easy thing to do. Travelling purely for self-discovery, I wondered whether I can make a bigger contribution to the places I visit and consequently discover something more insightful. I realized how I am only scraping the surface of these destinations -- its beauty, its comforts, its conveniences, but not its issues, its struggles, and its injuries (from the descent of tourists). With this project, I hope to understand more.

It'll be a couple of months more until I officially sign off from this project and definitely a couple of months more of adjustments and challenges. I don't have visa permits to worry about but the situation definitely feels just as foreign for me.

To the guy I loved but never had:

Hey there!

It has been more than a year since we agreed to end things between us. And yet, it never really ended. You kept contacting me, sending me greetings, asking about my travels, and checking for updates on my life. On the other hand, I kept hoping we can get back together -- imagining how it would be different the second time, reminding myself of how we met, and holding on to all our happy moments.

During all those time, I kept trying to block you out and to replace you with someone or something. But every time you reach out to me, I am pulled back to believing that you still want me and can love me.

You were my precious and my kryptonite. I looked at you and could only think of how I want to take care of you and help you grow. I think of you now and suddenly none of the pain or challenges matter. My whole being yearns to be with you and it would be so easy to just allow myself to.

But these are merely self-made delusions, created from a sense of being needed (not just wanted) and from a spark I never knew existed. I was really happy and you made me feel understood. I will never figure out whether all the smiles, the laughs, the hugs, and the kisses we shared are real but it all kindled a warmth in me that was real.

Although it felt like the universe conspired for us to meet, the fact that we cannot decide to choose each other, simply means that we do not want each other. And because of that, I have to let you go. You have to let me go. Our chance has passed and we need to move on.

You will always be my precious and maybe my first real love. But you should not be my only one or my last. I will get up and search for a new spark. You should too.

I know this will just be another letter dedicated to you that you will never read -- and I don't intend for you to. However, I do look forward to the time I will need not write another.

Much love and sincerity,
L

Wonderful Indonesia (i.e. I wonder how I survived)

Route of overland travel: Jakarta>Yogyakarta>Surabaya>Banyuwangi Baru>Gilimanuk>Amed>Canggu

For 23 days, I travelled across Indonesia -- from Jakarta to Yogyakarta to Amed to Canggu. I traversed the islands of Java and Bali in an attempt to see how similar or different it is from my own. Initially, I feared the country for being predominantly Muslim but quickly realized that to be the least of my worries. In the end, although the country looked quite similar to my own, it never felt comfortable nor familiar.

What I have been really wanting to tell my friends was how bad of a time I was having in Indonesia. Amidst the beautiful scenery and the new adventures, I was struggling. For more than once, I wanted to burst out crying, and for more than once, I held it in. In a situation where locals can take advantage of you at the first opportunity they see and where you already are vulnerable for being alone and a foreigner, crying is not really an option.

Normally, I would feel safe wherever I am, be it in a new country, in an unfamiliar alley, or in a shared housing. I never thought that something bad (read: bad and not unpleasant) would happen to me. But in Indonesia, being in a crowded place felt like someone would rob me and passing through an empty road felt like someone would grab me. More so, local drivers seemed to always overcharge me and men on the street seemed to always stare at me.

For 23 days, I carried this sense of paranoia with me. I lost the wonder of observing locals and of discovering side streets. I took comfort in the company of foreigners and in staying inside. And, waking up for the sunrise or staying out for the sunset posed little appeal.

It was a totally different trip and a totally challenging one.

I guess, part of the problem here is that for my past travels, I have been very fortunate to experience only "good" and "not good" encounters. In this trip, I had "bad" experiences. Actually, one reason that I travel is to get exposure to the real world outside of my shell and comfort zone. So I guess, with this trip, I am becoming successful in that.

I know this is just another discomfort that I have to conquer and learn from. I may need a couple more months to get over the experience but I am confident this is not going to stop me from travelling, or from coming back to the country.

Indonesia was definitely challenging but that is not saying that it is not wonderful.

Friends Along the Way

Alona Beach, Panglao Island, Bohol

Juan, Candela, Jorge, Guille

5-13 May 2016

These Spaniards took me into their group and made effort to make me feel comfortable and not out of place. They talked in English so that I could understand their conversation even if it is very unusual for Spanish people to know English. They invited me to their barbecue dinners and shared their San Miguel and Red Horse with me. On my last night, I made Mango Float and Pork Adobo for them which they praised and appreciated. I forgot my Lock n Lock at Guille's house and he came back for it the morning I left. Jorge drove me to the habal-habal terminal because Juan had a class. Candela talked to me in a mix of English and German which I both understood. Juan took really good care of me -- always asking how I was and what I'm doing even though sometimes he was too lazy to get up in the morning.

General Luna, Siargao Island, Surigao del Norte

Juan

18-20 April 2016

I met Juan while I was walking around the hostel looking for a vacant bathroom. He called out a quick "hello" as I breezed past him. I momentarily stopped and turned around to check where it came from but didn't bother to respond because I was already a couple of meters away from him and was more focused on getting a bath. On my second attempt to find a bathroom, I headed to the 2nd floor and he was there again sitting on the bed directly outside the bathroom. I briefly checked whether the bathroom was vacant and immediately backed away because it wasn't. He saw me and invited me to sit down on the bed while waiting for his friend to finish in the bathroom. He even called out to them to say that someone is waiting in line. During our quick chat, his friend finished so I was able to take my shower. We have been saying hello's in Siargao and in Panglao since then.

Nico's Garden, Tandag City, Surigao del Sur

Virginia, Nico, John Mark, Donald, Che-Che

10-14 April 2016

I came to Nico's Garden on the recommendation of my Hinatuan soul-sister. If not for her, I would have stayed at a motel with no chance of  enjoying the sea and the breeze in Tandag. Madam Virgie, her close friend, was the manager of Nico's Garden, whose owner was her childhood friend. They introduced me to their family friends and even brought me along on a business trip in Butuan City with Nico's son, John Mark, whom Tita Virgie wants me to date. On my supposedly last day, she convinced me to stay for one more night so that I could bond with John Mark who introduced me to his side-kick (i.e. spokesperson) Donald and his girl-friend, Che-che. We had dinner by the bay and had drinks and karaoke at Nico's Garden c/o his father's business. I really appreciated how they accommodated me as a family friend instead of as a stranger.

Mabolo, Cebu City, Cebu

Ton, Paul, Tita Mimi

27 April - 5 May 2016

I have never really talked with Tita Mimi until I stayed with her for a couple of days the previous year during my travel. This time, I stayed with her for a week, not only to save on food and accommodation but also to have company and to spend time with family. Most of the time though, I was with Paul, her retired German partner, because she had to go to work. On evenings, we would drink beer, champagne, wine, and brandy and we were always happy and laughing. Ton was a former colleague of my brother who was recently assigned to Cebu City. We met up and spent some enjoyable time together. He drove me around Metro Cebu to the most amazing places and I invited him along to dinner with my Tita and Tito. It was the first time that I went around Cebu in a private car and the first time I saw the city from a local's perspective.

Jing's Place, General Luna, Siargao Island, Surigao del Norte

Ryan and Sandy

18-27 April 2016

The first friends that I made in Siargao were Ryan and Sandy. I saw Ryan preparing his surf board while I was just finishing my late lunch. I approached and shamelessly asked whether I can come with him to surf. He looked at me confused and unsure and just responded to repeat my question. Sandy came shortly after and Ryan immediately repeated my request to him. He looked at me with the same confused expression but generously agreed anyway. They made space for me on Ryan's motorcycle while Sandy carried surf boards on each arm. I rode with them to Cloud 9 and then followed them up the boardwalk as they surveyed the waves and selected an area with the least people. We agreed to meet up just before sunset as they headed out to surf and I roamed around to observe and take pictures. I made good conversation with Sandy throughout my stay while Ryan took me out one night to party with his friends.

Hidden Beaches to Visit and Discover

1. Quinale Beach

Brgy. Poblacion, Anda, Bohol

Beach-loving travelers gravitate to the south-western coast when visiting Bohol, but little do most people know that the municipality of Anda, on the eastern side, harbors one of the province's best-kept secrets. Fronting the town church and plaza, Quinale Beach is a 3km stretch of bone-white powder that melts into shallow turquoise waters, delighting even the most discerning of beach afficionados. Plus, nearby coral reefs offer spectacular diving with marine turtles, multicolored nudibranchs and pygmy seahorses.

2. Caluwayan Beach

Brgy. Caluwayan, Marabut, Samar

Despite being the third-largest island in the country, Samar still remains off the radar for most travelers. The town of Marabut in Samar province has recovered its rugged beauty three years after the wrath of Typhoon Haiyan. While its sand may not be as white as the country's premier beaches, Caluwayan Beach still wows visitors with its karst landscape and jagged offshore islands that are reminiscent of northern Palawan.

3. Tayandak Beach

Brgy. Dumangas Nuevo, Kalamansig, Sultan Kudarat

Besides its geographical isolation, a history of ethnic unrest has prevented travelers from discovering the pristine coastline of Kalamansig in southern Mindanao. That's likely to change now that peace has recently been restored in the area. Of the series of mainland beach coves facing the Celebes Sea, Tayandak Beach is the most beautiful with its fine white sand and palm trees. This west-facing coast also has spectacular sunsets and serves as a jump-off point to even more stunning beaches and snorkeling sites on Balet Island.

4. Balinghai Beach

Brgy. Yapak, Boracay Island, Malay, Aklan

A "secret beach" in Boracay? Located just south of Shangri-La Boracay Resort & Spa is the small turquoise cove of Balinghai Beach Resort, sheltered from the rest of this touristy island by limestone rocks. Accessed by a steep path down a limestone wall, this hidden corner has pockets of white sand that offer that sought-after privacy and tranquility away from the crowded shores of the island's more popular beaches.

5. Hermit's Cove (Kantabogon Cove)

Brgy. Kantabogon, Aloguinsan, Cebu

Flanked by limestone headlands, Hermit's Cove is a hidden crescent of coralline beach in the little-known town of Aloguinsan along the mid-western coast of Cebu island. The beach was named after a hermit who had lived on this once-isolated beach. Now Hermit's Cove can be reached via a wooden stairway built along the southern cliff. With the tranquil atmosphere of a sleepy fishing village, it's a perfect place for pitching a tent, and the tidal flats that stretch away to the depths of the Tanon Strait offer great snorkeling along its coral walls.

6. Nagtabon Beach

Brgy. Bacungan, Puerto Princesa City, Palawan

Veer away from the droves of tourists that flock to Honda Bay and take a motorbike instead to Nagtabon Beach along the western cost of Puerto Princesa City. Set against lush mountain ranges, this broad stretch of cream-colored sand offers dramatic sunsets over the West Philippine Sea, skim-boarding along its shallows, and even surfing on moderate swells between the months of October and February.

7. Dicotcotan Beach

Brgy. San Isidro, Palanan, Isabela

Sandwiched by the Sierra Madre mountain range and the rough fringes of the Pacific Ocean, coastal Isabela is cut off from the rest of Luzon, making it one of the last frontiers of the archipelago. The Northern Sierra Madre Natural Park contains not only the country's largest rainforest but extends to virgin shorelines like the 3km Dicotcotan Beach, which rewards the intrepid travelers who make the long and arduous journey to get there.

8. Anguib Beach

Brgy. San Vicente, Santa Ana, Cagayan

Carved along a thumb-shaped peninsula on the north-eastern corner of Luzon island, Anguib Beach is a deserted crescent white sand with pine-like casuarina trees and glorious sunsets over the Babuyan Channel. After the long drive from Tuguegarao City, it's a perfect spot for making like a willing castaway, setting up camp on soft sands and falling asleep under the sparkling night sky. Palaui Island is a protected nature reserve nearby that offers a lot of great hiking and birdwatching.

That Place Called ...

Looking for inspiration, I found myself back at my University. I am not sure why I keep coming back to these grounds but I seem to always do whenever my mind is wandering. It couldn't have been the happy memories because nothing comes to mind even if I try. So I guess it's the place itself -- the pavements lined with trees, the soft breeze in between buildings, and the blur of passing people oblivious to my presence.

*****

Presence. I like being in the background. I like being able to observe my surroundings without being asked to participate in it. I think I learn more from observing people than from interacting with them. I see perspectives they may or may not be aware of. I hear opinions they may or may not have uttered. When I talk to them, I find that I'm more focused with what I'm portraying than with what they're telling me. It's very unproductive for both but I guess it's also a necessity.

Lately, however, I seem to be making my way to the foreground. I write about my travels in a public blog. I volunteered my time and professional skills with an organization. And I'm sharing more of my stories to my friends. It's largely uncomfortable but I do it anyway.

*****

Comfort. I realize now that school hasn't always been comfortable. I hated the girls in their trendy clothes. I hated the guys in their shorts and boat shoes. I hated the kids conversing in pretentious English. And I hated the cliques blocking the hallways. I wish these are just passing fads but these are actually the people that make my school. I might have been one of them on several occasions and I might or might not have felt good about myself then.

But here I am, sitting on a bathtub-turned-bench sheltered by a cluster of leaves from the afternoon sun and trying to rummage through my thoughts. I'm constantly peeking out at the people passing by, neither hoping for a familiar face nor a friendly smile, but just watching them, and maybe noticing a pair of highlighter-green shoes there, a cute black dress here, an unnecessary pair of shades there.

The cool wind that blows on my face is comforting. It tempts me to indulge in it entirely. But I decide against it and remain half-gazing at my surroundings.

By no means do I call this place "home" -- or any place for that matter. But it has almost always given me the peace that I needed. And for that, I'll keep coming back to these familiar grounds and unfamiliar crowds.

View from within the grounds on a clear Sunday morning

Homesickness

While most people crave for Adobo or Sinigang, I crave for the words "sige", "tara!", and "ha?". While most people miss the company of their friends, I miss the company of Filipino speakers. While most people yearn for the comfort of their beds, I yearn for the comfort of my native slang.

Homesickness, for me, is not longing for a place or a person -- that's called missing. Homesickness, for me, is longing to speak my language -- to freely communicate without translating words and statements in my head.

The first time I felt it, was on a 5-day training seminar in Phuket, Thailand. There were junior consultants, senior consultants, and managers from all over Asia but I was the only delegate from the Philippines. Although I didn't have a shortage of company and I was continuously conversing with associates from Singapore, China, Indonesia, and Hong Kong, it was all in English. And the pressure to avoid saying something stupid and to say it intelligibly was mentally exhausting and depressing. It was so that the first Filipino conversation I overheard almost made me tear-up and drove me to initiate a small talk with them.

The second time, was during my volunteering trip with a hostel/AirBnb in Kyoto. I was on my 5th day and we were hanging out at our lounge when I realized that they were all speaking in their native language. The Japanese grandma was speaking in her Japanese dialect, the Malaysian girl was speaking in Malaysian English, and the American guy was speaking in English as well while I kept translating Filipino statements in my head and speaking out in a foreign language. It felt unfair. The next morning, I was still annoyed that I was blurting out Filipino expressions and phrases regardless of whether they understood me or not. This eased up my frustration a bit and I felt okay the succeeding 3 days before I came into Filipino company again and was able to speak the language freely.

Now, I'm planning to travel for at least 3 months across South East Asia with no prospects of meeting up with Filipino friends along the way. I know I'll feel homesick again and most likely within a week of being abroad. It will be extremely frustrating and depressing. But somehow, the idea seems irrelevant and the least bit of my worries. While most people are afraid to leave for fear of getting homesick, I am afraid to leave for countless reasons not one of which is homesickness.

Travelling with friends from home definitely brings more comfort than just company. It also offers a cure for homesickness, whether it be for food, activities, sympathy, or communication.

A Road Trip for the Discerning

On the morning of December 2nd, despite unresolved conflicts, I drove out 500km to the Ilocos province with a reconnected friend for a pre-planned birthday trip, my birthday trip. I was originally planning to take the bus alone to La Union and to meditate amidst the crashing waves and would-be surfers. But a random chat message wiped away all those plans and I'm more than thankful that it did.

She picked me up a little bit later than planned, hungry for anything to eat and flustered over her must-brings. We asked how each one was doing and very quickly found out that this was going to be no ordinary road trip but a road trip with a purpose -- a road trip for the discerning (and the romantically problematic). While she was discerning whether she is ready to chase after and to commit to a missed opportunity, I was discerning whether it's still worth it to keep holding on to something I cannot fully commit to. There was the question of commitment for both of us, albeit with different circumstances and implications. Although this was never the intention of the trip, it became the central theme, in between philosophical wanderings and natural wonders.

This car has been through a few close encounters, up and down in the mountains, and left and right on sharp turns, but never broke down on us, quite unlike our unsound relationships.

Our first stop was Vigan, a UNESCO World Heritage site that is a city born within a museum. I've walked along Calle Crisologo a couple of times before and was unfairly unenthusiastic to subscribe to anything touristy. But wifey* soon expressed her frustration so we agreed for a 1-hour tricycle tour. The driver took us to (1) Baluarte which is the unnatural home to some African animals and a yellow submarine; (2) Hidden Garden which is a private home surrounded by a well-maintained garden and opened to the public for dining and plants-seeing; (3) the Quirino Museum where I unearthed in me an interest for museum stories and displays; and, (4) the Crisologo Museum, which is wholly dedicated to Cong. Floro Crisologo and blatantly asks for donation to maintain an unimpressive collection.

The Bantay Bell Tower stands just outside the city of Vigan, in the municipality of Bantay, and offers a 360-degree view of the region, spanning from mountain to coast. It was our last stop in Vigan before driving onwards to Laoag and then Pagudpud

The sun has long set when we arrived at Pagudpud. We were within range of the windmills when I noticed how dark the sky was and how bright the stars were shining down on us. We decided to stop the car then and there, in the middle of an empty road and with only our car lights to indicate our presence, to marvel at the universe above us. The whole sky was littered with tiny spotlights and illuminated gas clouds while a soft, cold wind constantly blew on our faces. It felt magical and at the same time frightening -- not because I felt small and insignificant compared to those celestials, but because it was pitch black and I felt paranoid that someone or something would come out of nowhere and attack us. Nonetheless, nothing did and it will be one of those life experiences I'll forever dream of.

It was by this road where we stopped the previous night to gaze at the universe. I could hear the turbines spinning with the wind and see the red lights blinking from the turbine heads then but I didn't realize there were this many.

The next morning, we woke up to a failed attempt to catch the sunrise. The skies were already lit and the orange orb which is the sun was already above the horizon. We started the day early anyway, walking along the shore and watching the rest of the town wake up. We soon found a spot for breakfast where wifey introduced me to her initiative against sachets and where some local dogs patiently waited for our food scraps. All the while, thick dark clouds heavy with rain silently moved in and threatened to make the day colder than desired. Nevertheless, wifey took a dip, taunting the surging water to pull her in and discreetly swimming too close to an unknowing group of fellow vacationers. I preferred to hang back under what little shade I could find and enjoyed watching the wind make everything dance to its will.

Not the highlight of Maira-ira beach, this area of dead reefs and dried up seaweeds was where I watched the sunrise from almost two years ago on a Chinese New Year rush to a trip up north. It was the first of my solo backpacking travels and it was filled with too many doubts and fears.

It was again night time when we arrived at La Union, our final destination. The hostel was empty and we were starving so we took off to look for dinner. Under a strict budget, we had to make two rounds of the restaurant options before settling for the popular Greek restaurant which was adorned with male and female attendants in Greek-inspired outfits. We shared one yogurt shake, a serving of Tzatziki, and a chicken souvlaki to indulge on our only expensive meal for the trip. With still no potential new friends back at the hostel, we attempted to camp out at the beach but eventually retreated due to unseen insects snacking on us. A little past midnight, I woke her up from her hammock and awkwardly whispered, "ui batiin mo ako :D", to which she responded with a warm hug.

On the way back south, wifey spotted a ruin by the beach and despite my many objections, she stopped the car and hastily went down. We entered the abandoned skeletal building and stopped at this boulder fence to watch the waves crash and some goats graze.

The following day was much more social. The morning brought us Ivy, a solo traveller who frequently and impulsively goes on weekend trips, typically with strangers or with friends made during her trips. Mid-day brought us "Kuya-Girl", a local surfer who looks, speaks,and moves like a female but persistently claims to be a male. Post-lunch brought us Jane and Carlos, an ex-couple whose relationships are ending or have recently ended and who are currently discerning whether they want to get back together or not. Jane is a self-confessed bum who still depends on parental support while trying to learn Japanese and Carlos is a freelance architect with the typical boy-next-door look and a good-guy vibe. Coffee time brought us Rennel, a freelance photographer who has been conistently going back to La Union and is open to residing in the area but cannot yet find a suitable residence. And lastly, the evening brought us Emma, a British backpacker who just came from the Mountain Province and is planning to pursue post-grad studies for a certain philanthropic specialization I cannot remember after her travels.

We got up early the next morning for a guided tour to Tangadan Falls with the hostel people. It was an unfairly discounted deal that was still too expensive for our daily budget but it was our last day and a last chance to get to know other people. Unfortunately, we were bundled up with (1) a cliquish group of weekend warriors who kept complaining how challenging it was to walk on a mostly flat trail; (2) a duo of female cousins who also complained but only intermittently and could have been potential acquaintances but were more comfortable talking between them; and (3) Ivy who never complained and whom we've already met but didn't seem interested to converse with us. While wifey ended up with an intensive bonding session with kuya tour guide, I enjoyed being back on the trail, swinging from tree trunks and spotting the best footholds. After the tour, we were craving for food and invited Ivy and the cousins to have lunch at a carinderia to which they disappointingly declined.

It was drizzling and the water was cold but all of us swam in and went under the curtain of falling water. Wifey and I found goggles among our group and did freediving, which I found difficult because I was shivering and a bit terrifying because I am scared of fresh water pools.

Shortly before sunset, we were back on the road -- back to Manila and with Ivy in tow. We offered her to rideshare the morning we met her to save on expenses and for an extended bonding session. Unfortunately, she seemed more interested with her news feed than with conversation with us. I won't blame her. She wasn't aboard the road-trip-for-the-discerning train.

Throughout the whole trip, whether we be driving, eating, preparing for bed, preparing to leave, strolling, watching something, or doing nothing, wifey and I talked about love and relationships. It was mostly philosophical and theoretical. Like "relationships have a 100% probability for failure because individuals will always have differing wants and conflicting interests. So for it to have the slightest probability for success, you should give your 100%." But these aside, we also talked about random stuff like cat-calls, tourists versus travellers, Chinese history, waving competitions, etc.

I learned a lot during that trip. We weren't able to end it with concrete answers to our discernings. But maybe we came out better equipped to find those answers ourselves.

Firefly

I had this song on loop in my head for a few days already and I had almost memorized the lyrics even though I really can't sing it. I had no idea what the song means but I fell in love with the melody and tune.

On our first business/date road trip, I had him play the song and interpret it. He told me of two people who were in love with each other but afraid to admit it. They were lying side by side surrounded by an overwhelming air of love but no one seems to want to claim the moment. They knew what the other was feeling but no one was daring to take the first move.

//There's a firefly//loose tonight//better catch it before it burns this place down//

Too emotional for my own good

John Mayer seems to get how I feel...

Maybe we should stop this madness and get on with our own separate lives instead of cycling between caring for each other and not giving a damn. It has been tiring, frustrating, and painful and we don't even know if it's worth any of it. I don't know why I keep holding on when all I want to do is let go. And I don't know what's preventing you from leaving me either.

Beauty Post: 13 Terrible Skin Habits You Need to Quit Immediately

so doing a lot of these. haha!

13 Terrible Skin Habits You Need to Quit Immediately

I have been having consistent breakouts for a while now. It started early this year in January or February (2015) and I can't pinpoint what has been causing it exactly. I have considered:

- skin became too sensitive after the several diamond peel sessions

- skin reacting to dirt and oil

- skin producing too much oil because of active hormones

- skin no longer agrees with current facial wash

I have also taken the following actions hoping to stop the breakouts:

- stop the diamond peel sessions

- clean face whenever too oily

- start using oil-absorbing sheets

- use a different facial wash

Unfortunately, I have not been successful yet and I no longer know where to blame it or what to change. The only time it significantly improved (so I think ) was when I was in Japan and there was minimal pollution and low humidity. So maybe, it really was the oil but oiliness could also be just a result to something else. Well anyway, I found the above habits and will monitor them accordingly as new suspected culprits.

Un-lost in La Union

That morning I realized what I should do

It was a moment of impulsiveness again. I was walking home at 1am when the idea of going to La Union hit me out of nowhere. There was no trigger aside from my familiar forlorn. There was no rationalization apart from I could possibly catch the sunrise. But there was just enough sanity that I did not jump on a bus then and there and allowed for at least a day to let the thought sink in instead.

A full day, half a bucket of beer, and a bitter comment later, I finally got myself to the famed San Juan surfing beach. It wasn't the nicest of my rides and the smoothest of my decisions but arriving was definitely a pleasant relief. With no actual plans for being in La Union, I defaulted to just being there. I found a comfortable spot on the beach and watched how the place moves and breathes as I waited for the sunset.

The following day, I still defaulted to doing nothing. I walked along to the other side of the beach until I found an empty shade and sat under it. It was a weekday morning and the beach was mostly vacant. I squeezed myself onto the two bamboo poles so that I could uncomfortably lie down on the make-shift seats and then I indulged in my thoughts and reveries.

It didn't take long for me to spring back up again and take out a pen and paper. The normality and obviousness of the idea surprised me and I wondered why I didn't thought of it sooner. It was so common sense! It was so appropriate! And it felt so near! A hostel on a beach facing the sunset that would also be my home and income generator. Why not?

I started scribbling down the idea like I've had it for years. I'll do this and this and this. I'll put it on a beach facing the west that is still reasonably accessible from Manila. I'll apply what I've learned from my travels and will get feedback from fellow travellers. I'll scout for land soon and target to have it up by the next year or so. It was exciting and my brain was on overdrive again.

I looked up at the ocean once more and smiled to myself and to the world. I finally have (sort of) a plan. :)

Dreamland Intoxication

There's just some days when waking up from a reverie seem too unfounded a task. And indulging in daydreams present a more practical occupation instead. I know this is in the least bit advisable, especially in this dog-eat-dog reality. But sometimes I just can't help but let go of my eternally governmental self and set free my inhibited reckless self. So I positioned myself in a dream-forgiving stance, stared out the window onto the happening street, and let myself be consumed with unlikely visions of my personal paradise  -- as I willingly enter the daydreamer's world.

As hours went by unnoticed, and as chats coursed in and out of my consciousness, I remained a willing prisoner of my fantasies -- feeling limitless and heeding no importance to the day's demands. I travelled to Bangkok and watched the sunset in Langkawi. I wore trendy clothes in Tokyo and made friends with fellow travellers in Kyoto. I put up a comfortable hostel and spent my days lounging in the sand. I carried my world everywhere and carried myself with poise and confidence. It was intoxicating. It was addicting. It was everything but unpleasant.

And then, feeling satisfied with the frolic of my imagination, I slowly pulled back and woke up to my current reality. Although my present isn't that unpleasant, it, no doubt, doesn't stand a hair's chance on my dreamy future. But it's real and it's here and it's what I can cherish now. But maybe someday I'll turn those dreams into reality and it will be a million times better. But until then, I'll be slipping in and out of the world only I know of -- waiting, gathering until enough courage beams in.

Runaway Drama Queen

SCTEX from Clark to Subic to San Narciso and vice versa

We were quarreling. My frustrations finally spilled out and I ended up throwing out words born from resentment. But I still didn't get the response I was hoping for so I let go and ran off with my insanity.

I packed a bag and drove off to the north. I only had vague plans to steer me but it didn't matter. I needed to get out. As I stopped by at a gas station to nourish my long-starving body, recollections of the previous nights trickled in and I, more than once, caught myself just blankly staring and giving in. I don't know whether this caught the attention of the surrounding servers but they approached me twice to offer pastries and desserts.

As I continued on to my journey, I occupied my thoughts with the road and with onward plans. I meant to go to see the beach and the sunset but my late afternoon departure suggested it's safer to spend the night somewhere nearer and more familiar. I checked in at a hotel beside one I was just in the previous month but not before driving through an unknown provincial road and gut-feeling my way. I settled in, lavished on the kilometers I've travelled, and resolved on making contact again just before closing my eyes.

The following day, we resumed talking (fb-messaging actually) and agreed that this runaway trip has been long overdue. We admitted to having different wants, needs, and priorities at the moment and to holding each other back instead of pushing each other forward. I thought it wasn't completely a mismatch but a fault in timing and present goals. But either way, it has been making both our situations challenging and confusing. And, it was because of this that I suggested parting ways -- a thought that has been swimming in me for a while now due to the conflicting circumstances.

Although I was the one to say it (an act historically belonging to me than to the other person), I was extremely doubtful and hesitant. I have been going through a lot of frustrations and paranoia because of this unspoken relationship but I still didn't want to let go of it that easily. It was just stupid.

As both of us felt the same way, i.e. not willing to commit to either separating or confirming the relationship, a conclusion wasn't made and we just kept on discussing. We maintained contact while I leaped from one town to another, from one highway to another, from one hotel room to another. And for every stopover that I make, my emotions spilled out -- almost making a scene not only out of my presence as a young girl travelling on her own but also out of my widely varying blank stares and animated gestures.

As weather conditions were as dreadful as my sentiments, I failed to see a single grain of sand or a ray of sunset. What I got were buckets of water hammering against my windshield, a fuel level threatening to strand me, and cat-calls thrown at me in the early morning. But none of this I minded. I have finally let myself out of the city and even with a tiny bit of guilty feeling, I felt free and myself once more.

A few days after, I went home, somehow less of a drama queen than when I first left but still a drama queen nonetheless. There was no conclusion still from either party but resentments and arguments were suspended in place of storytelling and humor. I am not sure how much I gained from my short escapade but now I know what I should never give up for him.

The beach that I never saw

#Relationship dominance
#Differing needs and wants
#Divided priorities

Thoughts During a Stormy Afternoon

Watching the thunderstorm from my window, scared and fascinated

It was one of those days when my brain isn't in the mood to work. There were virtually no thought processes and I just felt calm and chill. So I went out to attempt productivity at a coffee shop. But after two hours of waiting for my mind to gather, I gave up, went home and took a nap.

A few hours later, I woke up to the sound of water and wind spattering against my window. Another thunderstorm broke the heat of the day and it has quickly turned everything dark and rumbly. However, instead of taking advantage of the "bed weather" and getting back to my nap, I found myself sitting up and scooting over towards my window.

It was a fascinating sight. Clouds were dark and gloomy but not all throughout -- there was still a patch of sunlight over the west side. Rain was pouring hard and sometimes made music against the walls and windows. Lightning struck the ground, seemingly at random, and was closely followed by booming and threatening thunder. The wind also blew strong, creating waves amidst the pouring rain and pushing leaves to dance according to its impulse. I was enjoying myself and I realized again how much I admire nature.

During that time, a thought finally came over. I want someone who would sit with me and also enjoy watching the rain pour down. I remember this wasn't the first time I savored the sight of water droplets falling from the skies while wind blew almost non-stop from random. So I must really like it. And I wouldn't want to settle down with a person who won't spend time for those moments with or without me. :)

Sunsets: Love or Hate?`

I've been back-reading my previous posts in this blog. And I can't believe what I said just 4 years ago.

"not a fan of sunsets"....really???

Meanwhile, this is what I wrote 6 days ago.

Sipalay Sunset not in my top list

I remember that for every day of that Visayas traverse trip, I intently put in "Sunset watch" at 6pm because I wanted to see the sunset from different places. But I also said that I wasn't a fan. And apparently, the sunset from Sipalay didn't end up at my fave-sunsets list (although I think the "unremarkable sunset" was due to bad timing more than anything).

Well, now I'm confused whether I did like sunsets back then or was still trying to like them. And this is an issue (slight) for me because I really am a fan of sunsets now! I don't chase them everyday and I don't get frustrated whenever thick dark clouds hide them from me. But, I think I'm "in love" with sunsets now -- but "to think" may mean I just convinced myself "to be in love" with sunsets.

So, is it wrong that watching sunsets now make me feel this way when I only convinced myself to have those feelings?

Anime feature: Michiko & Hatchin

A strong-willed and independent woman on a scooter who is cruising thru one town to another in pursuit of her happiness. Plus, she's hot. Now that's another someone I want to be.

Michiko & Hatchin (ミチコとハッチン Michiko to Hatchin) is a Japanese animated television series produced by studio Manglobe and directed by Sayo Yamamoto. The story takes place in a fictional country with cultural traces from South American countries, mostly from Brazil, with the characters mirroring Brazil's wealthier upper class composed mostly of Portuguese descendants and Brazil's lower class compose African descendants. 

Plot Summary: Hatchin is a girl raised by strict foster parents who has long given up her dreams of freedom. On the other hand Michiko is a sexy criminal who escapes from a supposedly inescapable prison. When she suddenly enters Hana's life, these two very different women set off on a journey across a lawless land in search of a missing man from both their pasts.

High Maintenance

I've had three official boyfriends and a few romantic interests. And none have been long-term commitments so far. They say I'm difficult to please and high maintenance. But please, I really think otherwise.

How to please the DeviantTraveller:

1. Bring me outside.

I am an outdoor person. I am not a home-buddy. Cement walls and lighted ceilings do not interest me - unless they're devious. Malls and movie theatres do not make me feel alive. On the contrary, I like feeling the wind on my face and the sunlight hitting my eyes. I like the sound of water smashing on the rocks or gently washing ashore. Although I don't like insects on my skin, I prefer their incessant chirping rather than the honk of buses and tricycles.

Suggested activities: Mountaineering, Driving to provinces (with windows open), Chasing sunsets, Hanging out at parks and picnics (cliche), Cloud-watching and star-gazing (cheesy)

Road trip to Lobo, Batangas early this year

2. Feed me good food.

I avoid junk food and basically do not drink softdrinks. I check labels for high sodium content and eat oatmeal (with fruits) for breakfast. I'm not a picky eater but I generally stay away from too much oil and fat because they do not make me feel good. I love street food as much as I love sit-down restaurants. And I would love to be taken to a romantic sit-down dinner so that I could wear my pretty dresses.

Favorite dishes: Japanese sushi and maki, Vietnamese pho, Malaysian lok-lok, Filipino lutong-bahay (that I did not cook), Dirty ice cream, Barbeque

Lok-lok along the streets of Melaka on a Monday night

3. Watch the sunset with me.

As mentioned above, I like being outside and chasing sunsets. More than anything, I think watching sunsets calms me. And I whenever I travel, I always schedule "sunset watch" in my itineraries. There's something about the colors and the timing that always amazes me. Add to that the location, the simultaneous surrounding events, and the company (if any) and it becomes a surreal experience.

Best sunsets so far: (#4) Liw-liwa, San Felipe, Zambales; (#3) White Beach, Moalboal, Cebu (#2) Naidi Hills, Batan Island, Batanes; (#1) Shangri-la, Boracay Island, Aklan

The reddest sunset I've seen, from Liwliwa, Zambales

4. Bring me somewhere new once in a while.

Discovery is what makes me feel alive. Ideally, I would like to be hopping from one destination to another every month. But if that is too impractical, I would be content with being somewhere new at least once a month. By somewhere new, I mean anywhere I haven't been to from new roads, new restaurants, new neighborhoods to faraway provinces, isolated beaches, distant islands, and foreign countries.

Recently discovered: Las Pinas to Pasay route via Sucat, Clark Freeport Zone, San Juan in La Union, Yedang and Masil Korean restaurants, Several cities/towns in Malaysia

Exploring the Tanay province just because

So there's my list. Are these really that difficult to deliver? Why?

Please excuse this highly narcissistic, egoistic post. This is my way of discovering myself. Plus, it is my blog after all.

Saturday Swings

Shout-out to today's picker-upper : Yes! by Jason Mraz uploaded to Youtube by Max Holanda.

It's one of those days again when I woke up more vulnerable than I can manage -- vulnerable to negative thoughts and paralyzing emotions. Visions of travel, adventure and escape keep replaying inside my head, almost uncontrollably. But these always get punctuated with reminders of clients to be impressed, deadlines to be caught, interviews to be accomplished, requirements to be fulfilled, relationships to be maintained, and (worst of all) income to be earned. Impressions of being trapped, of being stuck, of being restricted flood in again and overwhelm my being. And then I'm paralyzed.

Looking for an outlet, I try to confide. Maybe it's me, maybe I really have difficulty communicating how I really feel, but after a few moments of seeming lightness, I'm back to my dark corner again. And then, I found the below album and I find myself tapping and bopping to the beat. And I hope the feeling will last through the day until I regain my pretentious strength and elusive sanity.

That Time I Travelled Solo the First Time

31 January - 2 February 2014
Vigan - Laoag - Pagudpud

The long journey to Pagudpud

According to Wikipedia, a traveller is someone who travels, especially to distant lands. By this definition, basically anyone can call themselves a traveller. But for me, it requires more to be able to call yourself a traveller. For me, that means being comfortable to go off alone to somewhere unfamiliar and distant, albeit not necessarily without fear of anxiety. By this, I am definitely not a traveller. Although I have taken flights and ridden buses to places I have never been before, I had always done so with someone, which automatically eliminates the feelings of discomfort, of insecurity, and of worry.

There had been several attempts to solve this identity crisis (Bolinao in August 2013, Baler in November 2013, another Bolinao in December 2013) but it wasn't only until January of 2014 that I finally pushed through with my intention. With my mind racing and my heart palpitating, I powered through all my doubts and took a taxi to the bus station.

At the bus station, I automatically calmed down as I sat in line for three hours amidst the Chinese New Year exodus and the scheduling chaos. I was no longer anxious nor scared but bored and desperate. I was just thankful that I was finally sitting in a bus even if it wasn't exactly headed for Ilocos.

At around 12nn, after 9hrs of just sitting and/or sleeping, I got off along the National Highway just before the bus made a turn for Abra. I stood with my backpack as I watched the bus that was supposed to take me to my destination leave me at a town I have never heard of before with only suggestions of how to get to Laoag.

Fortunately, I have always been amazed with being somewhere unfamiliar. So instead of panicking, I stood with awe and with a mind full of opportunities. But I gripped myself and focused on my original destination. After thirty minutes of waiting beside bus vendors watching vans and buses all not headed to Laoag pass by, I decided to take the van to Vigan instead and find a bus to Laoag from there.

A little over an hour later, arriving at Vigan, I discovered that buses to Laoag or Pagudpud are not to depart until late in the afternoon, posing another dilemma of whether to pursue (but with risk) my original plan to watch the sunset from Saud Beach in Pagupud. I considered all actions I could take and decided to just stay in the touristy but still beautiful heritage city of Vigan -- where I stayed in the worst room I have ever been, and I have stayed in P250-rooms before.

Now, I have been to Vigan before which means that it is a relatively comfortable place to be in -- a happy break in this already challenging and spontaneous trip. I know my way around and even though I was surrounded by groups of tourists, I did not feel too insecure.

The next morning, I was up at 5am to chance upon a bus to either Laoag or Pagudpud and could not be more eager to get out of my filthy room. 2hrs more and I was finally at Laoag, one more ride away to my destination. I enjoyed the early morning sights and walked all the way to where the mini-buses bound to Pagudpud are. I have been to Laoag too before so I was quite confident traversing even along the streets I haven't been to. I boarded the first van to depart and was finally, happily and proudly, on my way to Maira-ira Beach (Blue Lagoon) at the further border of Pagudpud.

I arrived at Wally's World Homestay at around 10am, 17hrs late from my original timeline and skipping day 1 of the original itinerary. I proceeded to get surfing lessons and then to find a peaceful enough lunch place where I met a legitimate traveller. He told me about that time he reached Baguio without paying for transportation and that time he went to Boracay from Mindoro only on a jet ski. In the afternoon, my surf instructor took me on a private tour to a cave and up the surrounding hills. He told me that he was originally from Tarlac and permanently moved to Pagudpud after falling in love with the place.

The next morning, I woke up early to watch the sunrise, originally intending to watch it from the nearby hill but decided it dangerous to climb alone. I found a quiet spot with a view of the beach, the water, and the distant hills and watched as the rising sun slowly altered the color of the sky from a deep dark blue to a golden yellow and finally to a blinding white. It was one of my most peaceful mornings ever and thinking of how far I travelled, 560kms to be exact, and what I went through to be there -- two bus rides, two van rides, and a whole lot of doubts -- made it even more special.

I'M WATCHING THE SUNRISE FROM A PLACE I HAVEN'T BEEN BEFORE, A THOUSAND KILOMETERS FROM MY HOME BASE, AND I MADE IT HERE ALL BY MYSELF. WOW.

Other Posts (upcoming):
Why I'll never take a plane to Ilocos
Why I chose Pagudpud as my first-solo-trip destination